


I'd Cross The Ocean

by orphan_account



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Angst, Homosexuality, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Married Couple, cross-posted on asianfanfics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 11:15:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12680769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Love is not easy, neither is homosexuality.





	1. I'd Cross The Ocean

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to AFF — Feb 03,2014.

When Jinki suddenly asked me to come along with him smelt-fishing,—the ritual he once always religiously did alone or, uh.. with his father—I was bewildered at first but decided not to think too much about it and just hop in with him to the car.

I had already packed the necessities for him the night before, after all.

Tho my coming along with him was absolutely not in the plan before.

 

We drove to Chuncheon in pregnant silence.

He looked restless along the way like it was the day of his first lecture as a professor in Carnegie Mellon.

I didn't know why.

I took it that he was just still adapting with Seoul road again after those five years and an half we spent living in the states.

 

We just moved back for a week and still mostly lived from the boxes.

The only thing we did that was close to going out was only a trip to a nearby supermarket for some grocery shopping and fast food take-outs.

 

I turned my head and looked at Jinki, he was frowning. And I thought, he didn't even realize he was doing it.

I sighed a little and stretched my hand out to reach for his nape, massaging it to release some tensed knots.

His frown slowly disappeared and he finally looked at me, offering some confused smile.

 

I decided not to ask. He would tell me when he was ready.

At time like this, all I needed to do was stay by his side and wait.

 

Once we got there and went down to the frozen lake, I helped him set our folding chairs before we brought the other stuffs—fishing rod, baits, snacks, cold beers on cool box—.

It was only us there as far as I could see. As if we reserved the place for ourselves—we, _obviously_ , didn't—.

I sat on the chair while Jinki dug a hole to fish the smelts, although I was a thousand percent sure it was not the smelt the reason he came here—and invited me over, on top of it—.

 

"You miss your Dad." I said. It's not a question.

 

Jinki just shrugged and sighed.

 

"Go see him." I told him "We're not across the ocean anymore."

 

Jinki lifted his head to stare at me "You.."

 

"No." I cut him off, I knew that stare and shook my head "Not now, Jinki."

 

"But, we.."

 

"We.. No, me.." I corrected and looked down to my boots "I'm still.. not ready."

 

"Maybe he's changed." Jinki said.

 

"Maybe he's not," I replied, not looking up "And still sees me as a spawn of devil who's going to lure his dearest son to burn in the deepest pit of hell."

 

"Kibum..." he started.

 

"Jinki." I finally looked at him "I encouraged you to accept the offer to teach back here because I know you miss.. this." I said "You miss.. All of this that is your old life."

 

"And for Jun." Jinki added.

 

"Yeah." I smiled at the name, kicking the bottom of the cool box with the front of my boot "For him too." Then I sighed "And for my mother too."

 

He nodded slowly.

 

I shook my head "But it's not for me." I told him "It never will."

 

"Maybe we shouldn't leave Penn." his voice softened.

 

"We should." I said, and it's true "My mother can't stand the long plane ride now. And she would _kill_ if she couldn't give Jun her own hand-knitted Christmas sweater by herself every year anymore."

 

His voice was almost caught in his throat when he said "If only.." _his parents were like mine._

 

"Yeah." I knew.

 

I took a deep breath and wandered my eyes off, whilst listening to the clanking sound Jinki made.

The sun was still crawling to the top of our head and from the hill, I could see a walking dot.

Another human would share this vastness of frozen lake with us, finally.

 

Although the thought of that—somehow, relief—didn't last long after a few minutes. After the dot morphed into a figure.

 

"Shit." I cursed, standing up from my chair.

 

Jinki was still poking the water beneath the hole with his pole.

 

"Shit, Jinki." my turn to poke him "It's your father."

 

He didn't budge.

 

"Your father's here." I said to him louder, closer.

 

All he did was looking up to me, face full of apology.

 

And it hit me.

 

"Fuck." I cursed "Fuck you."

 

I glared at him and prepared myself to flee but the bastard yanked my wrist down and kept me in place.

 

"Calm down." he said, pleading and commanding at the same time "And sit."

 

I tried to free my hand "Fuck, J—"

 

"Jinki."

 

His father was now standing right before us.

I froze. But Jinki stood up and without wavering, sliding his hand down from my wrist to clasp my cold fingers.

 

"Dad." he said firmly.

 

"Mr. Lee." I greeted in a hiss.

 

His father looked much much older than I remembered, too much older even if I had added six years to the equation.

I could see his eyes followed the path of our linked hands.

And there was that pain, that agony.

 

I still could feel the bloody punch I received from him on my face six years ago after that same expression.

 

Jinki tightened his fingers on me. He recalled that too.

 

I couldn't read Mr. Lee's face when his son pulled me closer, shielding, defending.

 

"I thought you'd be alone." Mr. Lee finally said in the midst of tension.

 

"I never said that." Jinki replied simply.

 

"Yeah." Mr. Lee shrugged "I bring my fishing rod."

 

"I'll help you with that." Jinki said, finally letting my hand go and walking closer to his father to help him set his fishing rod.

 

I stood aside, feeling ousted.

Eventhough Jinki might not be having a father figure for almost six years, he was still Mr. Lee's son. And I could never enter the world wherein he and his father existed.

It was all blood could do.

 

Then I noticed we only brought two folding chairs.

 

And eventhough I might not like Mr. Lee and vice versa, I still had respect for elders.

And considering I didn't want to be around at all, I thought i could use it as an excuse.

 

"Jinki." I called him.

 

He and his father turned to look at me. I ignored the latter.

 

"I'll just wait in the car. I can't sit on ice."

 

Jinki seemed couldn't find a reply for a while, but _of course_ his Father could.

 

"Will you just bring my folding chair from my car, Jinki ?" he said, fumbling with his jacket before he handed his car key to Jinki.

 

Jinki seemed confused all over again when all that i could think of was : What. The. Fuck ?

 

But Jinki eventually took off after casting a worried side glance to me and I just shrugged like it didn't matter.

 

The truth was, it _did_ matter.

 

But his father was already busy with his fishing rod again, and since i knew shit about fishing, i just stood by awkwardly, warming my hands inside my pocket.

 

"You both back for good ?" Mr. Lee suddenly asked.

 

I frowned a bit, wasn't sure he really talked to me but I finally answered with a simple "Yeah."

 

He nodded before stepping back and sat on the chair where Jinki sat on before.

 

I took my seat back too.

 

And hi there, tension !

 

I sighed quietly.

 

"He never told me he's back." Mr. Lee said, poking the hole in a very Jinki-ish way "If his aunt didn't see him in the grocery store a week ago and told me, I might never know."

 

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept quiet.

I could tell that this pained him deeply.

Us, still pained him.

 

Because like every other good stepford father, for Mr. Lee, Jinki was his pride and his everything.

Until I came along in the picture and ruined it.

 

No. I fucking spat, pissed on, tore and burnt his Jinki-perfect-picture down.

 

"I told him to go see you." I said that.

 

I could tell he doubted it. I didn't care.

 

Tho he just said "Yeah," after it.

 

Then, he cleared his throat before he spoke again "Heard you both have a son."

 

I didn't know which asshole of our friend who was responsible for leaking the information and should probably be killed. (I bet on my new Hermès, it's Minho the alien who was working for Mr. Lee.)

 

"Yeah.” I confirmed “He's sleeping over in my mother's now."

 

"How old ?"

 

"Four."

 

There's something flickered in his lens before he asked again "Did you adopt ?"

 

"Surrogacy." I answered.

 

Mr. Lee seemed to digest the information for a while and frowned "Which side ?"

 

"Me."

 

His father nodded, a bit disappointed.

 

I didn't need a sixth-sense to know the reason.

 

"He has Jinki's eyes, tho." I informed, as a matter-of-factly.

 

"Yeah ?" Mr. Lee raised his thin eyebrows, looking at me.

 

"Yeah. In some strangely coincidental way, we found Jinki's female doppelganger as our surrogate." I adressed my teasing to the good lil' Jihye, the American-Korean born surrogate we picked from the agency. "So, that wasn't missing."

 

Mr. Lee's lips tugged a little, not quite like a smile but almost.

 

Jinki had _his_ eyes.

 

And he sounded a little doubtful when he next asked me "Can I see him ?"

 

"Yeah. Maybe." I said absently. "Besides the one that had passed away, Jun never knew he has another.. uh grandfather." and added "Sort of."

 

"Yeah." Mr. Lee shrugged "I never really thrown away my dream of having grandchildren."

 

I shrugged too. And finally, released a breath of relief as I could hear a familiar weight of steps behind us.

 

We—which was me and Mr. Lee—might never, ever be the most harmonious father and son-in-law on earth.

But when I saw Jinki's eyes lit up a bit when he's back right in front of me—he’d been eavesdropping, obviously—I thought it didn't really matter.

 

As long as Jinki could have both of his world and be happy, I'd cross the ocean for him.


	2. As Long As We Breathe

 

I came back home after a long, shitty day.

Let me name some of the reason : a class full of adolescents and their useless stuborness, too much flirty -female- colleagues, a broken vending machine that swallowed everyone's five hundred won (and no one ever bothered to stick a notice on it), then finally the jackpot : a monstrous pile of papers waiting to be graded.

Why did I throw my not-so-new class the assignment, again ?

Oh right, cause I was their not-so-brand-new American-transferred professor and needed to prove myself as qualified as it sounded.

But, I didn't really complain. Believe me.

The university was nice enough to help me arranging my accomodation even before I arrived.

They rented me a house and a car, none of which, of course, was permanent.

They lent it to me until I found my own to buy or rent.

Well, I had enough money in dollars (thank God for the rising exchange rates) after I sold my loft and my car in Penn.

Tho actually, the kindness was sort of expected.

I might not sound too humble if I said they practically begged me to teach back in Korea (and in their college, this time).

So yes, I wasn't complaining.

Really.

 

I pulled up my car in the garage at nine and walked through the connecting door to the living room.

Then I felt the sourness on my face slowly dissipating as I heard two hushed giggly voices from the couch.

I stood for a while on the door to watch them.

Because nothing in this world could entertain me more than seeing my partner was busy making weird faces and voices to a four-year-old craddled in his arms.

"And the giant told the faun..." Kibum said, before suddenly deepening his voice _"'I would find you and eat your tiny little intestines. Vhooom'"_

And the four year old in his lap hysterically shrieked in glee, wriggling when Kibum tickled his side and his round stomach.

My smile got wider and I shook my head as I finally walked toward them.

"Now now," I said, cutting their laughter off "Isn't gore a little bit off-limit for bedtime story ?"

It was pretty hilarious to see how their eyes simultaneously got bigger as they turned their head and saw me.

"Daddy !" Jun almost bounced on Kibum's lap at the sight of me.

"Hi, big guy."

He held out his little chubby arms for me.

So, I took him and pulled his warm body close to my chest.

He smelled like the kiddy shampoo Kibum always insisted to buy and it was the second smell I loved the most right after Kibum's overpriced bodywash.

Jun was rather short for kids his age –I blame Jihye-, but he's chubby –I blame myself (who could never give no for his sprinkled ice-cream or gummy bears or three cents chocolate _pleaseeee_ - _daddy_ - _pleaseeee_ pleads) and also sturdy.

Kibum's mother said it's good. Jun's sturdiness, it is.

Cause he still had a long way to go, to face this _ignorant uncaring homophobic_ world.

I tried not to think about the implications and saw Kibum was learning my face, still from the couch.

He only raised his eyebrows.

I knew he wouldn't ask me anything about my brief blank-out.

So I just turned my attention back to Jun.

He had already been clutching onto me like I was his pillow pet, his fat cheek resting against my shoulder as he mumbled to no one.

He always did that clinging thing, as soon as I carried him.

Kibum said it just proved his theory that I, really, was cuddlable, snugglable.

If they were even exist, legitimate words. Huh.

"He's been waiting for you." Kibum informed me, tidying up the cushion as he stood up from the couch. "Refusing to sleep."

"Really ?"

I pulled Jun off of my chest a little and saw his eyes kept fluttered close, but he seemed trying to fight it.

I patted his back and tucked him under my jaw again.

"Come on, kiddo." Kibum walked a little toward me after a while, reaching to take Jun back "You have to go sleep now."

Jun fussed a little as I handed him back to Kibum, but had not enough energy to resist.

"We didn't played yet." he protested as he glued his cheek to Kibum's chest, rubbing his eyes with his fist.

"It's _didn't_ _play,_ honey." Kibum corrected "And no, it's past your bedtime already." He kissed Jun's crown "You've seen daddy."

Jun made a little 'hmmmbh' sound.

"Now, kiss daddy goodnight." Kibum said to Jun, bringing him closer in his embrace to me "We have to go potty before bed."

Jun pushed his little body off a bit from Kibum's chest and I leaned down so he could peck me on the cheek.

"G' night daddy." he whispered to me.

"Good night, bumblebee." I kissed his warm temple and let him get carried away by Kibum.

 

\--

 

I was actually planning to continue my paper grading after bath when something on my desk caught my attention.

It wasn't there the morning before.

I dragged my swivel chair a little as I reached for it.

And stared at it for a long time, trying to figure out my feeling about it.

It was Jun's drawing. Of the standard, child-like stick people.

But it was of us. Of his family.

A kid and two daddies. No mummy. No stick person with triangle-shaped skirt in the middle section.

Tho Jun had drawn something resembling a ribbon to a stick person with a big K on the top of it's head.

It bothered me. How he had to deviate from the normality but was still forced to stick with it.

I closed my eyes and took a slow, deep breath as I felt two familiar hands suddenly climbing up from my back to my shoulder, massaged it a little before it came down to my chest and stayed linking there.

I didn't hear him coming.

"Did you draw this with Jun ?" I asked Kibum, opening my eyes.

"He did it in his pre-school." he answered, jaws moving on my shoulder. "The one your dad helped him get in to."

I nodded quietly when Kibum suddenly took a deep breath and distangled himself from me.

He turned to stand facing me, his hips resting on the desk.

He seemed thoughtful for a while, staring absently to the drawing in my hand.

"His was the only one that didn't get pinned on the board." he finally informed me.

I raised my eyebrows and asked "Why ?", although I thought i knew the reason.

Kibum shrugged "The teacher said the board was already too full, and decided just to give Jun a star on his drawing, so he could take it home and show his daddies instead."

He scoffed, shook his head and looked aside, "Bullshit," he said, with an angry tone but above it all, I could see his feline eyes flashing in pain. His fingers curled into fist.

I put the drawing on the desk, the blank side up and reached my hand out to rest on his knee.

Kibum was silent for a while before he sighed deeply and looked down "Jun was really, _really_ happy about the star." he gulped "If only he knows.."

I rubbed his knee, actually wanted to say _"It's_ _okay."_ and soothe him down but I knew Kibum didn't need anymore bullshit.

"Don't think too much about it, alright ?" I asked quietly.

"Maybe, we really shouldn't leave the states." he finally stared back at me. "You know, it's hard for him to learn a new language all over again. Even his teacher said Jun babbled too much in english. And also, the hangul, on top of it. He'll.."

"Kibum.." I cut him off, giving him the stare.

I knew what he actually meant.

When we agreed on surrogacy five years ago, there's no _'The Grand Korean Return'_ written in the plan.

We thought we'll spent the rest of our lives –mine, him, Jun's- safe and sound in one of the gay-est area in Pennsylvania.

But on the other hand, before we decided to move back to Korea, we'd made a promise that if we really did it -did move- we wouldn't talk about regrets. (Tho I knew, I mentioned it once in Chuncheon).

It's our unanimous decision.

Kibum might be not really willing –by his heart- to move here. But I knew him.

He wouldn't usually do regrets or sorry of something he'd done or agreed on himself.

Kibum finally sighed after getting my stare "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just.." he shook his head.

"Shit, Jinki." his voice was almost caught in his throat "I just don't want him to suffer because of us."

I also found a lump in my throat because of his words. And I stood up so I could scoop Kibum into my chest.

Still seated on my desk, he rested his forehead on the base of my neck while I buried my nose on his brunette hair, drawing soothing circles on his back with my thumb.

He didn't cry. Maybe fighting the urge to, but there's no tears escaping to wet my front.

Kibum just went.. blank. Playing with the bottom of my pullover while his breath's steadying.

I just kept drawing more shapes on his nape.

But, after some minutes, when his arms finally linked back around me and he was absently kissing my throat, I opened my mouth to promise him.

"He won't, okay ?" I said softly "Jun.. won't suffer."

I felt his parted lips paused right on my bobbing adam apple, he was listening.

"We'll keep him safe." I told him. Vaguely thinking of hate-crimes, the rising number of bullying case around, and all in all, the _ignorant uncaring homophobic_ world.

I closed my eyes and held Kibum still "As long as we breathe."


	3. All That Matters

 

"You sure you want _us_ to come ?" I asked again to the phone receiver. Just to make sure.

" _Yeah_ ?"

I scoffed hearing his tone, that was not even convincing.

Cause I, too, didn't think Jinki's idea was good. At all.

Even that he was supposed to be the smart one in our relationship (Professor, remember ?). I just have the feeling that this plan would just lead to a disaster.

Being stared at in the supermarket because you're holding hands with a person your same sex was one thing, but being judged at in the formal dinner with your partner's college friend was different.

I wasn't even sure why they insisted to invite Jinki -and me ?!-. Just so they could have a laughing stock ? 

Okay, so I was bitter and cynical. Were we surprised ?

I heard Jinki sighed in the other end receiving nothing in reply from me.

" _Kibum_ ," I knew that oh-so-faux tone " _You're my partner, my **beautiful** partner and I love you to death. What's the point for me to hide you ?_ "

Rhetorical.

I really would have been flattered by that. If I didn't know Jinki had been casually reading that crap. Some sappy _how-to-please-your-girlfriend_ handbook or something he found on the sale rack in his favorite bookstore for only 99 cents, just to amuse me.

Which it didn't.

I really should burn that book down when I could to save his soul.

I finally sighed in return "Okay, then. I'll give Jun a bath then I'll get a cab to meet you there. What's the name of the Italian place again ?"

I didn't even believe myself agreeing to this.

*

 

"Good evening, Sir. May I help you ?"

I stared a little dumbstruck at the Maître d in the front desk.

My brain was a little slow after struggling with a fussy four-year-old for the past twenty minutes and it took me some time to process even the simplest question.

"Um.." I must've looked so dumb. With sleepy, pouting Jun in one hand and the huge bag that held his 1001 baby needs -which straps kept sliding off my shoulder, by the way- in the other "I'm meeting someone here ?" I said doubtfully.

"Do you know what name the reservation goes to ?" The Maître d asked again, something resembling amusement hidden in her smile before her eyes shifted to Jun's back. "Your wife, maybe ?"

"Um.." I didn't know exactly if it was better to shove my homosexuality in her face.

But luckily in the middle of that awkwardness, I could hear a familiar velvety voice calling me from behind.

"Kibum ?"

Thank God.

I turned around to see Jinki, just coming back from the bathroom it seemed.

Looking so edible in his black suit.

And I guess I was not alone on that thought. Since I was sure I could hear a sharp intake of breath from that Maître d behind me.

I felt like snorting because he was _mine_.

In the other hand, Jinki just smiled before walking toward me and we gave each other a brief kiss on the lips.

It's just a habit. Which we forgot was not usual in here at all.

But hey, we couldn't take it back.

So I decided to just suck up the glare that that Maître d sent to my direction and savor it with dignity.

Jinki took Jun from my hand -which was a relief because that kid was getting heavier- and cooed him like he usually did.

He always looked kind of silly when he did that. But also irresistibly adorable so I couldn't blame him.

I put my hand on Jinki's back, rubbing it a little to let him guide the way in.

We passed the front desk again and on purpose, I flashed my sweetest smile to the Maître d "I've met my _husband_. Thankyou."

I didn't linger long enough to see her reaction. But I was sure it would make her day.

So, I was a bitch. What else was new ?

*

 

I hated this already.

Cause I could feel it. All eyes were on us. On me, on Jinki, on Jun.

On our little abnormal family.

I knew people _would_ stare, but not in this kind of intensity.

And when we finally reached the table of the little reunion, I swore that -I realized- everyone in the room was holding their breath and just finally released it altogether.

Jinki introduced me and Jun to his friends -and their respective hetero partner- and I tried my best to smile politely, despite those judging (or) in-awe look. Pick the one in your favor.

I also tried really hard not to cause any problem. Since I was really in the verge of kicking my chair back and call on that fatso middle-aged man behind our table with something like " _Just eat your goddamn starter, mister and fuckin stop looking at us already !_ " because his gaze was almost impolite and I was afraid Jun would sense it and ask. He was too young to understand. Too fragile to know.

So, I knew better not to make a scene.

Not when I was not even morally acceptable at the place.

 

I was so self-aware at the time that I just realized that I and Jinki were usually so fond of touching each other.

Some pats on my thigh, some little clutching on his bicep.

Most of Jinki's female friends thought we were so cute and _in love_ , but some of his male friends most probably thought we were disgusting.

And hey, I wasn't being sarcastic.

That kind of burning antipathy didn't need a mind reader to fathom.

The time bomb finally started to tick when I was leaning in to Jinki's plate to steal the portobello mushroom he hated with all his being and he was just turning his head around after talking with his friend on the other side.

In short, we were kind of bumped into each other on the forehead. And since Jinki's skull was like a solid rock and mine was not, the one with visible hideous scarlet bruise was of course, me.

"Oh my god." Jinki _fuckin_ chuckled when I rubbed my forehead "I'm sorry."

"Papa gots boo boo." Jun cackled in between us, he was already back in his hyperactive mode, since one of Jinki's female friend immediately fell in love with him on the first sight and helped me takin care of him during the dinner.

Apparently the girl gave my son too much sugar.

"Oh yeah." I smiled and reached my hand out to fix his little collar "So what should we do to my boo boo ?"

"Daddy kissed it alright !" he said with a higher octave, raising his fist up.

So Jinki had a little trouble after that, when an expectant little crescent eyes mirrored his own was asking him to _kiss my boo boo alright_.

In the end Jinki just shrugged and leaned in to kiss the red bump on my forehead under Jun's brightening, supervising eyes.

And that's when I heard a loud, obnoxious, on-purpose disgusted ' _Ew.. Could you not do that here.._ ' from across the table.

"Excuse me ?" I couldn't hold myself  back any longer as I drew my face away from Jinki and sent an insulted frown to the person.

It was a big bloke -some bully, jock type- that was just staring at me lowly "Well.. I don't know if you don't realize that presenting such act in public is off limit and inappropriate."

" _What_ ?" Off limit and inappropriate ? I couldn't believe it. It's not like we were fucking.

"Kibum.." Jinki warned me in a low voice.

The bloke frowned at us and shrugged nonchalantly "It's disgusting, if you are not aware."

I felt my jaw dropped in disbelief.

That fucker's girlfriend -the one whom I suspect was Jinki's college friend- seemed to scold him quietly, but the guy just shrugged again, like it didn't matter. 'What ? People are trying to eat without puking here..'

"Ignore it." Jinki said to me as he reached to my curled fist "Okay ?"

I glanced to Jinki, shook my head and sighed hardly.

"Papa." Jun suddenly tugged on my suit. "Gonna pee."

I turned my head to look at Jun and realizing he was my only way to cool off at the moment.

I smiled at him and reached his little hand "Come on, baby."

*

 

I was just closing my eyes after wetting my angry-boiled face when five clumsy little fingers came to touch my cheekbones. "Papa ?"

"Yeah ?" I opened my eyes and looked at Jun, he was sitting on the bathroom countertop beside me while I was washing my face.

"You upset ?" he asked with a scrunched face, like he was afraid I was gonna scold him if he ate his ice cream before meals.

I smiled a little and patted his chubby cheek "Not at you." I said, before I added "Or at Daddy."

He seemed to load my answer before he asked again "Why you upset ?"

I sighed inwardly, thinking of the easiest way to explain "Sometimes..." I said "People just can't understand."

"Undesand ?"

I smiled again hearing him still tripping over his 'r'.

"Yeah." I nodded, before I turned to him, leaned closer and got on his eye level "About.. why I love Daddy. Or why I love you."

Jun giggled when my bangs tickled his face "I love you too !" he yelled enthusiastically, before he suddenly hugging -no, smothering my neck.

I laughed, half painfully because that kid got strong arms. "Ouch Jun."

I noted to myself to really watch the amount of his sugar intake if he would always be this hyperactive.

"Daddy !" Jun suddenly shrieked again, not to me and I used the chance of his weakening grip to release my poor neck from his deathful hug.

I turned my head to see Jinki just entered the bathroom. Sending some apologetic smile to me before he came closer to carry Jun who had already been extending his arm.

"Daddy, I love you !" Jun said again, still over eagerly.

Jinki then turned his head to look at me, seemed bewildered by the out-of-the-blue love confession.

When I shrugged, he quickly looked back at Jun to reply "I love you too."

Before I felt his fingers reaching to my nape and he added "And you." meaningfully to me.

I just raised my eyebrows and gave him a small smile. Still too upset to be affectionate.

Jinki sighed as he studied my face "Still upset ?"

I smirked a little, realizing Jinki was just asking me Jun's earlier question. Then I sighed and shrugged nonchalantly "What do you think ?"

Jinki only stared at me as Jun started to yawn sleepily to his neck.

"I'm sorry." he said quietly, almost a whisper.

I shook my head, feeling defeated already. Only Jinki knew how to soften me. "It's not your fault." I said.

"Still.."

I quickly cut him off "We're not having this argument on a public bathroom, okay ?"

"Okay." Jinki smiled again before he asked me, a little doubtfully "Do you want to go back ?"

"Back ?.. Yeah... I guess." I just shrugged "Can't run away, can we ?"

And I took a long, deep breath before I stared into him "You're right."

Jinki only raised his eyebrows.

"We couldn't hide forever. Running away from the real word." I sighed "And I'm not some.. scaredy little faggot, am I ? I don't have to care.. to be afraid of those ignorant breeders judgement."

"Dang right you don't." Jinki winked to me, lamely.

I nudged at him as I laughed before I stared back at him and at Jun in gradual silence.

At their similar pairs of crescent eyes, at the thought of Jun's innocent confession and those homophobes out there.

I took a deep breath and realized that _I_ had a gorgeous, loving partner and an adorable son.

A goddamn perfect _happy_ family.

When even some straight people _didn't_ and wished they had it.

And that was everything that mattered.

I took a deep breath again as I snaked my hand around Jinki's waist, while he tightened his arms on Jun's little body.

He smiled when I leaned in, just a little too close to his ear .

"Ready to piss off the heteros ?" I asked.

And Jinki got that mischievous glint on his eyes before he turned his head and kissed me sinfully on the mouth when Jun wasn't looking "Can't wait." he whispered back.


	4. For God is Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _A/N : If in some ways this chapter offends you or your beliefs, I apologize beforehand. No particular blasphemy intended._

 

 

>  
> 
> _“And since God is love, and God doesn't make mistakes, you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every **faggot**.  We're all his, Emmett. He loves us all." _
> 
> _\- Ted Schmidt, Queer As Folk._

* * *

 

The only thing I was always scared of, even more –by, maybe, not so much- than my parents, when I found out I was gay, was God.

_ (If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman [..] they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.) _

 

See, I was raised in a religious family.

We went to the mass every sunday and prayed together before we eat. And sang a psalm whenever we're gonna bury someone we knew.

And then, after twenty five years of normality, in a blink of an eye, I realized I was attracted to men. More than I was to women. Emotionally, physically, _sexually_.

And if it wouldn't be enough to drive one out of sanity, I didn't know what would.

Okay.  Maybe I was exaggerating if I said I had a completely normal,  _ straight _ twenty five years.

But hey, before I knew the truth, I was just thinking every once in a while, everybody could just have a crush for the person their same gender.

Like having idols or something.

But that was a total bullshit. –beside the fact that I didn't really do _idols_ -

I was in denial. For Earth knows how long.

_ (And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.) _

 

So two years after the finding out, when I decided to c ome out to my parents, holding Kibum's hand (six years my junior and my  _ student _ ).

I knew I would have to swallow that look of horror in my mother's face.

Tho I was not expecting that right hook my father set to Kibum's jaw.

I never expected that from _my father_. Who taught me how to tie my shoelace, how to dribble my first basket ball, how to climb the trees the right way so one couldn't fall, how to drink properly on my coming of age, how to spare a few minutes every night to pray and talk to God before I go to sleep.

I could have protected Kibum better... I could have..

But I never knew.

I still could smell the rusty smell of his blood.

And that was something I would always be feel guilty for.

_ ( ..forgive them; for they know not what they do.) _

 

But, running away after their rejection was not an option. Considering I had lived separately from them since I started teaching in college. (Against my father's will obviously, because I was just not cut out to be a businessman.)

So, it would be rather pointless.

But a week after the cold shoulder they'd given me –no phone calls, no nagging about my unhealthy choice of menu of the day-, my mother suddenly came knocking on my door.

Carrying her  _Daily Bread : A Verse A Day_ book, we sat in my small dining table and she alarmingly told me that it wasn't too late.

That I could still go back to The Lord's righteous way, out of my abomination.

That He would spare me from the eternal fire of damnation, if I repent my sin.

As she spoke, I looked absentmindedly to Kibum's favorite old quilt that was lying on my couch, where we _were_ the night before.

And I told her, I couldn't.

_ ( For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.) _

 

Then my mother said, as she finally left my apartment in a hard, pained look, that maybe love was evil.

But I thought later, that if God _is_ love. And God couldn't be evil.

Then how could love be evil ?

Why He made us love each other if it was ?

Why He made us men and let us met ?

Why He made us, at all ?

I just could think of one answer.

Because He loved us Himself.

_ ( Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.) _

 

So basically, I still believe in God.

Tho I wasn't attending the mass as often anymore –let's just try,  _almost never-,_  since I was always feeling too sinful to be among them.

 

But sometimes when I felt like a hypocrite enough, I'd take my time alone when Kibum had already slept.

I'd close my eyes and clasp my hand, and wish every shameless sinner's wish.

For everyone I knew to be healthy. For my family to be happy.

For Him to forgive us and our trespasses.

And I knew, every once in a while, He still answered to my prayer.

_ (Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you) _


	5. All Kind of Love

There's this thing about people's nature that I resented.

That we're meant to be ignorant in some ways.

That we're naturally afraid, almost scared, of anything new, anything different.

We had to, actually.

Because becoming dauntless without any sense of self-preservation would just become a false bravery.

 

But still, it didn't justify anyone the right to judge people blindly without trying to know anything.

And yes, i was talking about homosexuality.

That abnormality, which believe it or not, some people still saw as an illness.

Like what, they really believed I would transmit my gayness if one stayed in the same room with me for a certain amount of time ?

That's so 70's !

But people were naïve that way.

So I wasn't gonna blame them, not when the society still encouraged them to think that way.

 

Okay. Enough with the pensive contemplation.

For now, I was just going to brew my dosage of morning coffee while supervising my four-year-old son who's busy clanking his transformer robots against each other on the living room rug.

 

So, he obviously didn't partake my fondness of ribbon and pink.

A smile tugged on my lips as I realized it. I shook my head. I really was _so gay_.

 

"Jun," I decided to call him from the counter top between us "Do you want peanut butter and jelly sandwich ?"

Jun just shook his head to no one, mumbled something, now busy deforming one of his transformer.

"Jun." I used my almost-scolding tone "Look at me when you're speaking."

 

He lifted up his head then and looked at me with his clear, crescent eyes.

I couldn't help but to smile a bit and lift my eyebrows "You don't want peanut butter and jelly sandwich ?"

"Fwoot loops." He answered.

"Froot loops ?" I repeated "You want froot loops ?"

He nodded.

"Froot loops, it is." I said before adding "And start practicing your R."

Jun just scrunched his chubby face before getting back to his toys.

Apparently, he's in fussy mood of waking up too early this morning, it needed some time until he's back to his hyperactive, cheerful self.

 

I only shook my head quietly again, while opening the cabinet to pull out Jun's cereal box. And Jinki's oatmeal.

Which speaking about the owner, was still pretty much dead to the world after staying up late grading his seemingly endless student papers.

 

Jinki and his total devotion for his studies. I rolled my eyes.

I kind of pitied his pupils for having an over earnest professor like him.

Kidding.

Not.

 

Because, I was one of them, remember ?

I knew how Jinki could be so eager about things.

He really adored teaching.

He loved hearing people's thoughts. Their own version of what Jinki knew everything and nothing about.

He loved discussions and constructive arguments.

He wrote articles, sometimes leading seminar and he's currently in the middle of publishing his very first book.

Which in the end (I peeked a bit, don't tell him.. he had this thing of people peeking the last page of the book before even reading) was still questioning all of it.

 

He had enthusiasm like a child, but mind like an old man who had witnessed everything.

Maybe that's why he could become a professor from a very young age.

(And most people look past his homosexuality.)

That's why I love him.

 

I sighed a bit. So much with the heavy thoughts this morning.

 

I was just done pouring fresh milk into Jun's cereal bowl, when I felt someone poke my side.

I turned around to see Jinki yawning like a hippo beside me before he's opening up his arms, for me to hug him.

He's clingy like that when he's sleepy.

So I _did_ hug him and patted his back in soothing rhythm. While he rubbed his face on my shoulder.

I swore sometimes, he's not any day older than Jun.

 

"Don't fall asleep again, old man." I warned him when I felt him yawning again.

"I'm really tired." Jinki said groggily, finally distangled himself from me.

"Then, why did you wake up ?” I frowned to him “Sleep some more. I know you just have one class this evening."

"I want to watch that overhyped pororo." Jinki grinned goofily, waving his hand to me before turning around and walking stealthily toward Jun, then scooping the kid up in surprise and smothering him on the couch.

Jun shrieked in both annoyance and glee of his Daddy's silliness.

I just shook my head again.

Today would be a good day.

*

 

Or so I thought.

Until Jun's fussy mood was becoming worse in the afternoon.

He refused to eat his lunch, threw a little tantrum and finally broke down into tears when I raised my voice.

Jinki thought Jun's just sleepy and tired, so he decided to get him to take a nap together.

 

I felt kinda bad for scolding him, so I thought I'd let him have his Cookie Dough ice cream when he woke up later.

But he didn't, even after Jinki had gone for his lecture.

And my bad, I was too occupied with my client's email that I was kind of not realizing Jun slept longer than usual.

 

I was just done fixing some bugs on the web design settings my client complained about when I looked at the table clock and saw a big, bloody 5.30 pm.

Jun usually would come out by himself and ask for snacks or cartoon watching permission by the time he woke up, around 4 pm.

And it's way past that.

 

I frowned a bit as I shutted my laptop down. Thinking that he might be still upset with me.

But I had scolded him worse than this and he never seemed holding any grudge for longer than an half hour.

 

So, I decided to go his room, which painted and filled with all things yellow and black, and found him still deep asleep.

I approached Jun slowly and just realized that he's sweating. Cold sweat.

 

_Shit_. I cursed and walked closer to check his forehead.

It's burning.

 

Godammit.

 

"Jun ? Baby ?" I sat down near his pillow, and shook his little body.

He opened his lids, which seemed to flutter close back against his will.

 

"Jun ?" I called him again, sweeping his dampened bangs "Are you hurting somewhere ?"

He didn't answer and had a little coughing fit instead, which made me more worried than ever.

 

I patted his chest softly before kissing his forehead "Wait a bit here, okay." I whispered before practically sprinting out of his room to grab the thermometer and a glass of warm water for him to drink.

 

"Here, baby." I pulled his body to sit and lean onto me as soon as I got back, and brought the glass close to his lips.

 

Jun sipped some water before closing his eyes again. And I put him back into sleeping position so that I could check his temperature.

 

39 celcius degree.

 

I almost cursed out loud. Mostly for myself, for not noticing earlier.

Fever was nothing new even for me, a first-timer parent, but it never got this high.

 

I decided to give Jun some ibuprofen and kept him hydrated and tried to call Jinki.

He's not answering. I knew he wouldn't. He always turned his phone off during class.

 

So, I left messages for him instead, while hoping Jun's fever would go down.

 

But apparently, it didn't.

 

An half hour later it went up to 40 celcius degree and my worst nightmare came, Jun had a brief seizure.

His little body kept jerking for a minute or two.

Putting aside my panic and fear, I turned him to lay on his side, before I quickly called the ambulance and fuckin hoping my son would be fine.

*

 

The nurse that picked us up with the ambulance rolled Jun to the ER as soon as we reached the hospital.

I had left another several hysterical messages to Jinki about our departure and praying that he would get them (and get here) as soon as possible.

I needed him.

Because I had to admit I wasn't the most rational man alive.

I was an emotional drama-queen, sometimes and an oversensitive bitch, the other time.

Jinki was the yin to my yang. The balance of everything that I was.

 

I watched the nurses on the ER doing basical checks to Jun and I almost flinched when they inserted needle for IV drip to his little wrist.

The doctor on duty asked general questions about Jun and I answered as precise as I could.

Then she asked about the symptomps I saw before and I stated about Jun’s irritated behavior since the morning, his small seizure and how he vomitted a little on the way here.

 

She nodded and decided to light Jun’s eyes with a little flashlight.

Then she said to me that she had suspected something, but she had to call the medical specialist to check it further.

 

For now, they would give Jun a shot of acetaminophen to soothe his fever down. And let him rest.

 

After Jun was under control, I went to the registration desk to take care of the administration.

I was writing down his medical record, when I felt someone pulled the back of my coat and I turned around to see a panic-stricken Jinki.

 

"Hey." He greeted me and pulled me into a hug even before I could greet him back.

"Hey." I finally said, closing my eyes and finding comfort in his warmth.

 

We stayed like that for some seconds until I pulled away and Jinki asked "Is Jun alright ?"

I nodded then shrugged "Yeah. I think so. He still has the fever. But the doctor said it will go down. Infants and kids below five tend to have higher fever than normal. They gave him a shot.  But I don't know, they told me they had suspected something and they want to check on his blood sample."

"It's okay. It's better to be aware." Jinki said, rubbing my arm.

I nodded "I hope it's just flu. Or something similar."

 

Jinki nodded too, before asking again "Didn't he get vaccinated ?"

"He did. But it was seven, eight months ago ? He haven't gotten any shot after we're moving here." I explained.

Jinki said a little 'O' before adding quietly "We should be more careful next time."

I agreed. Then I shook my head "I totally forgot about it."

"Hey. Don't blame yourself." Jinki said, frowning to me.

"Yeah." Meaning :  _I’ll try_.

 

 

"Which one of you is Lee Jun’s parent ?" Another doctor, –male, middle-aged or above- , came out looking for us when we’re just about to enter the ER again.

"We both are." Jinki answered.

"Ow." He frowned for a while, I thought I could hear his brain’s gearing up "Biological father and step father ?"

"Biological father and legal father." I answered "We're raising him together."

"Oh. Okay." The doctor scrunched his face for a bit, before looking to the clipboard in his hand "I'm Dr. Kang Hyo Sung, Neurologist. I need your permission to run a test on Lee Jun's cerebrospinal fluid. I'm afraid your son has meningitis."

"Meningitis ?" I frowned "Is that dangerous ?"

"Not really, if it's just viral. It's rather common on kids." He answered.

 

Then I looked at Jinki, asking with my eyes. And he made a gesture with his chin, meaning we should just proceed with it.

So I signed the permission. And asking again after I gave him the clipboard back "Can we assist Jun during the process ?"

"Just one of you." He said.

"Why can't we both ?" I scrunched my eyebrows.

 The doctor seemed thinking for quite a while before replying "It's the procedure."

 

Which I believed would be different if I or Jinki were a Mother.

 

_Kim Kibum, seriously stop with the negative thoughts._

 

I sighed a bit and finally looked at Jinki. "You should get in. You know these things more than I do. I have to call my mom."

 

Jinki nodded and pulled me in again to kiss my temple, much to the neurologist's uncomfortableness.

I smiled softly when he pulled away and finally followed the man.

 

So then, I made a call to my mom. And finally found out where did I get my drama-queen trait from.

*

 

In about twenty or twenty five minutes after it, The neurologist called us in to the ER again and made us sit across his desk in the corner.

 

"Looking from the symptoms, I predict your son has a viral meningitis, not the bacterial one. Which could be more severe and dangerous.  It's a good thing that you brought him here sooner so he could get treated earlier.

"But there is a quite many cause of viral meningitis. Enteroviruses, mumps, flaviviruses. We have to wait for the lab result to be more precise. So that we could perform the right treatment. But for now, can I ask you a few more questions ?"

We nodded simultaneously.

 

"One of you is his biological parent, right ?" he asked.

"Yes.” I answered “I am."

"Oh. I thought Jun looks a lot more like you." He turned to Jinki.

And Jinki gave him a rather awkward smile.

 

"Well, you have to know that viral meningitis is so easily transmitted. It's most often spread from person to person through fecal contamination. Like if you're changing a diaper or using the toilet and not properly washing hands afterwards. Or by saliva or nasal mucus of an infected person. On children, it's mainly by hand to mouth transmission." He paused for a while. "Do you usually share any drinkware or eating utensils ?"

"With Jun ?" I asked "Yeah, sometimes."

He nodded slowly. "Do you have any medical history of meningitis?"

"No." I answered then turned to Jinki and saw he shook his head too.

 

The doctor nodded before asking again "Do you live.. cleanly ?"

"Yeah. I think ?" I said, frowning a bit "He always play at home. And we almost never buy him food outside."

"Your sex life, too ?" he suddenly asked.

 

"I'm sorry ?" _Was he just asking about our sex life ?_

The doctor just raised his eyebrows "You both don't... play around?"

I was about to ask again before I slowly understood the implication, and frowned even more "How is that even relevant ?"

 

"I'm just checking the background.” The doctor sounded like disregarding us “Some cases of meningitis can be caused by herpes or HIV."

I tried to be cool, but that obviously failed. So I _kind of_ scoffed "Do you also ask this kind of question to heterosexual parents ?"

He didn’t answer.

So I bombarded again "How can you be so sure that there’s not any of them like to sleep around too ?"

 

"Kibum." Jinki used that warning tone again. And after sighing, he took my turn to answer.

"No, Doc." He was _fuckin_ smiling _nicely_ to the doctor "We've been monogamous for five years."

"Well." The doctor cleared his throat "It's just a question."

 

I was still glaring at him when he changed the topic "I thought it's better for Jun to be hospitalized while we're waiting for the lab result. Is that okay ?"

Jinki nodded calmly while I was still clenching my teeth.

 

"You can fill the inpatient admission form outside."

*

 

"I don't get why we have to always face homophobes." I ranted in hushed voice as we walked back to Jun's bed in the ER, after submitting the inpatient admission form and waiting for the children ward room availability to move him in.

"Well..." Jinki said, arm on my shoulder "Honestly, I don't think he's a homophobic in particular. Most people just have that kind of mindset of us, a sex-oriented being."

I scoffed.

Jinki shrugged "Even in Penn, don't you remember ? We aren't even allowed to be a blood donor just because we're gay. So frankly speaking, why do you expect here ?" He stated, as a matter-of-factly.

 

I just sighed tiredly. "It won't ever be fair for us, will it ?"

Jinki just smiled a bit before saying softly "We'll never know."

Which made me smile a little too.

 

"How's your mom taking the news ?" Jinki suddenly asked, obviously changing the topic so his partner ( _read: me_ ) would stop being an irrational bitch "Queening out ?"

"Yeah. Worse than me.. Don't roll your eyes ! It's true." I hit his side as he laughed "She said she'd call a cab and get here as soon as possible. I told her to just visit Jun tomorrow."

"Like mother, like son." Jinki whistled.

I just sent my death glare to him.

*

 

Jun's fever had gone down to 38 celcius degree after the shot.

But he slept so soundly I didn't have the heart to wake him up just to ask how he felt now.

 

And we finally got a vacant bed somewhere in the children ward. And the nurse on duty informed me that we'd be sharing the room with another little patient who's having a bone fracture.

(Anyway, the nurse seemed nice and not judging when he saw me and Jinki together, closer than two guys should be.)

 

When we reached the floor, Jinki decided to get us americano in the coffee shop downstairs, while I assisted the nurse rolling Jun's wheeled bed to his admitted room.

It was dark. Our roommates –a little girl and his young-looking Grandmother- seemed had fallen asleep.

No wonder, It's almost half past nine.

 

The nurse asked if we needed anything else –which I replied _No, thanks_ \- and explained to me that they only allowed one person to stay with the patient, to prevent noise and disturbance for the other occupants.

I nodded in understanding and thanked her again.

 

After she went out of the room, I sat down on the provided chair beside Jun's patient bed and leaned in to kiss his pale chubby cheek.

He stirred and whimpered a little, so I shushed him softly and whispered to him to go back to sleep.

_All is well. Papa's here._

 

"Is that your son ?"

I lifted my head and saw the Grandmother beside us had woken up, peering into our side from the curtain that was separating us.

She seemed wrinkly and nice, so I smiled a little and answered "Yes."

 

"He's one pretty boy." The Grandmother judged before looking at me "Why is he here ? Flu ?"

I shook my head "The doctor suspects meningitis." I told her "But we have to wait for the lab result tomorrow."

"They took his blood ?"

"Yeah and some fluid from his brain."

"Ah." She shook his head quietly "It's giving me headache how kids these days could have so many illness. When I was a child, I almost never get sick unless some cases of sniffles and coughs."

I laughed a bit and just nodded in agreement. She sounded so much like my own mother.

 

"The world is getting crazier." She sighed before asking "How old is he ?"

"Four."

"Aigoo. Poor boy." She shook her head again then turned to stare at me with a questioning expression "Where's your wife ?"

"Ah." I gulped a bit, taken aback "I don't have one."

The grandmother frowned to herself for a while then nodded slowly "My granddaughter here doesn't have a mother too." She continued with hushed voice "She ran away with some other man."

"Ah. I'm sorry to hear that." I said.

She sighed deeply before glancing to his granddaughter "I kind of pity her, you know. A bad woman or not, a child still needs a mother touch. Evenmore, when they're sick."

 

I only smiled a little before bowed my head down. Didn't know how to respond.

Honestly, we never thought that way.

If Jun really needed a mother role or not.

 

Jihye, our surrogate, was too outgoing and too modern-minded to fill that. Even our invitation for her to be involved in Jun's life was politely declined.

She said she never ever wanted to settle down even before. She didn't want to be responsible for another life.

And we never thought of that matter again ever since.

We never considered another female.

 

Now thinking about it, I myself knew about a mother's healing touch.

My mom always rubbed my back and soothed me when I was ill.

I was never scared of anything when she's there.

 

And people said that women were stronger than men. They lived longer and on most situations, stayed faithful until the day they died.

(Tho listening from the Grandmother's story, it's not always the case.)

 

"My son is too busy working.” the Grandmother continued “I always tell him to look for another mother for his only daughter but he never listen. It's not like I could watch over them forever."

I could see that the aged woman had a sincere heart for his family, tho like your typical grandmother, she was chatty and naggy.

 

Then we shared another polite stories about something else. I was mostly trying not to think about selfishly wanted to keep Jun –and Jinki- for myself.

Until we heard the creaking sound of  the door and Jinki came in with a small paperbag in his hand.

 

He smiled at me and tho a little bit surprised, greeted the Grandmother that was still there, near Jun's bed.

Jinki handed me my americano before he turned to the Grandmother, offering her his own coffee if she wanted some.

 

"No, thankyou. I don't drink coffee anymore." she said.

They shared a polite laugh.

 

"Are you his uncle ?” the Grandmother squinted to Jinki then to the sleeping Jun “You look alike."

"Ah.” Jinki shook his head “I'm his father."

She was now frowning, before turned to me and clarifying "But you're his father too ?"

"Yeah.” I nodded “We're... partners."

 

“Oh.” She said, then went quite for a while after that, digesting the information it seemed. Before finally asking "Are you both... married ?"

"We have legal domestic partnership in US. But not 'married' that way." Jinki answered.

She just kept nodding, while I and Jinki shared secretive glances.

 

"Papa ?"

Jun's tiny voice almost startled me, but I quickly looked down, just to see him squinting. Looking so weak, it clenched my heart.

"Hey, sweety." I swept his bangs gently "How do you feel ?"

He just rubbed his eyes then coughed a little.

"Are you thirsty ?" I asked.

When he nodded, I got him the bottled water and straw from the bedside table.

 

"Careful." I said, as I watched his little lips slowly sipping the water through the straw.

 

Then I realized that Jun kept glancing at his hand that got pinned by IV.

And when he’d done drinking, his other fine hand finally reached out to poke around the patch of bandage where the IV needle was.

 

"Is it itchy ?" Jinki asked this time, rubbing the side of Jun's wrist softly, soothing.

Jun nodded and shook his head "Not like it."

"Bear it for one night, okay ?" Jinki poked Jun's cheek gently "I'll ask the nurse to replace your fluid loss with something else tomorrow."

 

Jun just blinked to Jinki then turned to look at me and I smiled to assure him too, caressing his little arm before glancing to the clock on the wall.

"Jinki ?" I called my partner silently, while Jun stared curiously at his IV drip again. I mouthed to Jinki to go home.

He still had to drive alone and it wasn't exactly a safe time to do so.

Jinki nodded to me as I turned to look at Jun.

"Hey.” I caressed his chubby hand to get his attention back “Daddy should go home now. But Papa's here. Is that okay ?"

Jun scrunched his face, looking at Jinki then at me.

"You not leave ?" He asked me.

I shook my head "No. I'll stay with you."

And then Jun had that adorable contemplating face for a while before he said to me "I okay." Then he looked at Jinki "You can go."

"Are you telling me to go ? You ?" Jinki pretended to be angry, then attacked Jun's stomach with tickles.

Which made the kid giggled hysterically, cheeks almost turning rosy again.

 

"Sssh. Sssh." I shushed him softly "It's late night already." I whispered, before secretly sending my killer glare to Jinki.

He just poked his tounge out at me.

I shook my head at his childish behavior.

 

"I have to go now.” Jinki finally stepped a little closer and leaned down to kiss Jun's nose “Night, bumblebee. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Night, Daddy." Jun slung his fine arm out to hug Jinki's neck single-handedly.

 

Then Jinki straightened his body after Jun let him go and walked to where I sat.

"Get some sleep, huh ?" He said, petting my hair and let me hug his waist while I was still sitting down.

I nodded to his tummy and pulled away after some time.

"I'l bring your spare clothes tomorrow." He said, before bending down again to kiss me on the lips when I looked up to him. "Bye."

"Bye." I replied, as he patted my cheek "Drive carefully."

Jinki just lamely winked (again) to me as he walked toward the door.

 

I smiled as I watched him went out of the room.

And smiled more sheepishly when I met another eyes and realizing that the Grandmother was still watching us.

She just kind of nodded to me before going back to her spot before she woke up earlier.

 

I took a deep breath then, before realizing that Jun had drifted back to sleep, so I decided to turn off the lamp on our side.

And that was when I thought I heard the Grandmother spoke again, so quiet I could barely even hear it.

 

"But you know what, young man ? As long as you love your son that much. With a mother or not, I don't think you have anything to worry about. He’s already got all kind of love he could."

 

_Yeah._ I answered in silence, smiling to myself before leaning down slowly to kiss Jun's warm temple.  _I knew._

 

_Get well soon, baby._


	6. I'd Spare You The Pain

Jun was still deep asleep on his baby seat when our car pulled up in front of my parent's house. I sighed a bit as i stretched my tired arms, taking off my seatbelt before finally spared a glance at the rearview mirror and saw Kibum was still staring out of the window from the middle seat, looking distracted.

I knew he really didn't want to do this. To go here.

But it's my father's 60th birthday. There would be a close family gathering to celebrate. And since I was his only son and our relationship was getting a little better, well.... I guessed I had to go.

Not to mention that my father had already invited Jun himself the last time he came to our house, too.

And Jun, of course, at hearing the word *gifts*—eventhough it was my father's and not his birthday—was already so very really excited to go, and kept asking us _when will go to grandpa's house and open presents_ on an infuriating hourly basis.

 

So, that's why we're here now.

Jun passed out just a little while ago because he was too hyperactive since so early in the morning. Knock-knock-knocking on our door at four thirty and interrupting our 'morning wrestle'.

Kibum had to hide under the cover because he wasn't even near presentable with nothing on. I, at least, had my boxer near enough to get and put it on—despite the obvious protruding bulge—before I opened the door and carried Jun away from our room, to the big window in the living room so we could see the sunrise, letting Kibum had the time to calm his _nerves_ down while I listened to Jun's too-happy-in-the-morning babbling, then lied about his Papa was still asleep when he asked. Heh.

When Kibum finally came out, wearing wifebeater and soft shortpants, still a bit sweaty and red, giving both Jun and I a peck on the lips, before going to the pantry to make our breakfast, I asked him again if he really wanted to go today.

Kibum only rolled his eyes at me then said "Of course," with a sarcastic tone. Before he sighed to himself then explained that he'd go because of Jun. And because he didn't want everyone else to think he was a coward or didn't have enough respect for me—and my parents—to show up.

 

 

Kibum was still a little out of it even after we got out of the car, carrying the as-blank-faced Jun that just woke up in one hand and the baby bag in the other hand while i took our stacks of presents from the car back door.

I bought a new automatic fishing rod—with a manual in Korean—for my father. And Kibum, while seemed uncaring, actually was thoughtful enough to buy him a new designer sweater. Because he said he noticed that my father kept wearing the same one everytime they met on this chilly fall.

(I realized it too, that in spite of holding such an important position in his company, my father nearly never splurged on clothes or branded shoes or things like that.)

Jun himself participated in picking cheesecake—and pralines and candies—he liked for his grandpa.

 

We walked in silence to the front door. A nervous silence.

Because the last time we were here, the two of us, we got out with trembling hands, broken egos, torn hopes and an aching bloody bruise on Kibum's jaw.

It was a painful memory and I saw that Kibum held Jun a little bit closer to his chest as we took the steps. I knew that he was scared—tho maybe just by a bit—but keeping a tough façade for me.

God. It made me really want to hug them both right that moment. Especially Kibum. My strong, beautiful, brave partner Kim Kibum.

But the presents and the baby bags got in the way of our hands so I knew I had to supress that urge.

 

And finally, the moment of truth. I rang the bell as soon as we stepped on the _welcome_ mat, knocked twice on the door, then waiting the dripping seconds in eerie silence like it was the count down to the end of the world as I knew it.

When the doorknob moved in front of me, I was holding my breath and looked up as it's finally being pulled open. 

 

It was my mother. Dressed in a plain white knee-length dress and a longsleeves cardigan that made her look smaller than I remembered.

I saw that her eyes grew so big upon seeing us right after. Then she stared at us, scanned us from top to bottom like she was seeing ghosts.

Ghosts that were an older version of his long-lost son, his partner of a sinner and a little boy that resembling them both.

 

Then, still glaring with a frightened eyes, she stuttered, calling my father. Suddenly looking so pale like she was about to be sick as she called and called my father louder.

When my father showed up, he was frowning and asking what's wrong to my mother, but then he saw us on the door, and he finally didn't say anything to her.

Instead, he took a step forward a little more then holding his arm out to Kibum so he could carry Jun.

As my father went in just like that with our son, kind of neglecting my mother as he walked past her, my mother really seemed like she'd faint any second.

And that was when I found out that my father never told my mother anything.

*

 

My mother was not talking to me nor to Kibum. Also not to my father. So I knew she was angry at us all. Tho I noticed she couldn't help but to keep glancing to the bubbly Jun, that was sitting on my father's lap on the living room couch now, reading a children pop-up book in korean language together.

Whenever my father came to our house, oftenly every once a week, he always helped Jun learning his korean. But after Jun had opened up to him of course, because at the beginning, the four-year-old was still all shy when my father first visited and I introduced the old man as his supposed-grandpa.

But they were already close now, to the point that even I still couldn't believe it.

 

I took a soundless deep breath as I tried to find Kibum. He was attempting to help my mother earlier, but because my mother didn't talk to him, he asked the home assistant instead if he could lend a hand.

Kibum ended up setting the dining table, being the most artsy person in the room. And it actually started to seem like a pictorial set rather than a family dining table.

He also arranged the flower vase. Sorting out the flower that didn't blend with the ambience and putting them apart in a different vase he asked from the house assistant.

My mother couldn't protest about it too. Because she was also all into interior design. And she knew what Kibum did was like what she'd get if she was paying a pro.

So she just kept silent in the pantry, watching until Kibum's done. Still keeping the distance to us.

While I kept feeling a little... weird with the mood of everything that's happening.

Here Kibum was, finally inside the house where I grew up. With our kid. And with my parents—the parents that opposed our homosexuality—too. This was... unfathomable.

 

But before I could think more about it, the bell rang again and I knew we all would soon face the second batch of awkwardness and judgment.

*

 

Jun turned out to be the hot topic of the day.

I didn't really know if that's because everyone had already gotten past my abnormal sexuality at this point or it's just because my father didn't have many people coming to begin with.

(Those or because they'd seen my father was already kind of okay with it too.)

Today's occasion was just for close family. That meant us and the families of his two little sisters—my father was the first son of three siblings—.

I only had four paternal cousins in total. And only one above me had already gotten married (My father's first little sister got married two years earlier than him).

When they all arrived at the same time, I decided to follow my father and my mother to get up and stand near the hallway when the house assistant went to get the door, while Kibum was taking Jun to sit on the couch, staying behind, trying to calm his worries down by helping the boy coloring the book we brought from home.

 

To say that everyone was surprised to see me there was an understatement.

Even the aunt that had seen me before—the one that told my father about my whereabouts in Korea—seemed like she wasn't expecting me to be there.

They were polite to Kibum too when they met him, so Kibum was behaving the same. Although I knew he's thinking of trying to be a background prop so that he wouldn't stand out too much.

 

Then when they finally saw Jun, my aunts had to gasp simultaneously because they said it was like seeing me when I was about his age—Tho Jun's little pouty lips was all Kibum's—. They recalled that much.

My cousins were in shock too knowing that I already had a child. A _four-year-old_ child.

But there were no negative response so far.

So, I thought that this whole thing wasn't as bad as I expected it would be.

 

 

My aunts were really interested in Jun. Hearing that biologically, he was Kibum's—after carefully seeing that my mother wasn't around—. So I told them briefly about surrogacy, when they called me to sit with them after I talked with almost all of my cousins, but refused to explain by saying they should search about it themselves, because it might be a little too controversial for them to hear.

I just said that the mother was a very close friend.

Kibum, like what I expected, was not opening his mouth even once after my relatives came. I understood that he might think that he wasn't welcomed, that he wasn't a part of family.

So, I excused myself once my aunts had started their own catching-ups with my mother that just came around, and went to Kibum who was now watching Jun played with his distant cousin, a little girl that was the daughter of my oldest cousin I mentioned before.

 

I threw my arms around Kibum's shoulder as soon as I stood beside him and he glared at me when he turned his head around, trying to tell me not to do it.

"Why ?" I mouthed to him, challenging.

Kibum just flared his nostrils as he wormed his way out of my arms, but I was faster to wrap my hand around his waist.

"Jinki !" He scolded me with a much louder tightened voice than he himself expected, that was getting the attention of my cousins nearby. "Cut it out !"

"Why ?" I asked again, hurting, frowning "What did I do wrong ?"

Kibum gritted his teeth to me "Jinki, please." He was pleading in a careful tone, using his two hands to push my hands away "Not here."

"Hey. It's alright." Seunghyun-hyung, my eldest cousin, smiled from where he sat and giving us a thumb up, "Don't mind us."

The other cousins, who was now flocking around the dining table with my father—he was telling another story that was always a-must tradition from the oldest uncle—were also smiling, although I felt there was something different that was boring a hole on my back. Someone that had been watching us with a sharp, judging eyes.

I think I knew who it was but I decided not to think too much about it, as I threw my arm back around Kibum's shoulder and grinned at him when he glared to me, but at least he's not trying to get out.

So I guessed that's a good thing.

*

 

The birthday dinner started at seven pm. And it went long enough because there's so much talks going on.

The business, the school, the golf trips, the house construction, the new restaurant in town.

So when we were just about to get our dessert, Jun's eyes had already been opening and closing heavily. He was a real sleepyhead and it might be because he didn't get his proper nap this noon.

Kibum tried to wake him up when the patbingsoo came out. But then Jun could only keep it up until the spoon of ice was on his mouth before he suddenly dozed off again.

The view of him trying to eat and sleep at the same time was really funny that it became such an entertaining show for the elder.

 

I had to say I was proud of my little ball of sunshine. In just three hours, everyone had come to love and adore him. As well as they had already known that the boy owned ten big transformers robots and fifty-seven transformers babies (read: desk figurine) at this rate because Jun told anyone who wanted to hear about it.

It felt like they trully saw Jun as mine. As theirs (blood) too. And it was heartwarming in many ways.

While my mother was still.. well.. not that easy to read. I knew she was watching us closely, tho. And I tried to just keep doing things like usual.

Kibum and I still exchanged a brief touch here and there. Jun was still eating so much to fill his round stomach before he started to get sleepy.

 

So after the dinner really wrapped up—with my father cutting his all five birthday cakes from us and giving every first slice of them to my mother—, Jun had already been snoring on the couch.

He walked there, climbed it and snuggled to the couch pillow himself when no one was looking.

Everyone laughed again when they found him. My youngest cousin even took a photo of him sleeping and promised to send it to me.

My father, who was finding about it the last, suggested that it would be better if we took Jun upstairs so he could sleep in my old bedroom.

And Kibum finally decided he would be the one to take him after I gave him the direction, because I had already promised to play poker with my cousins and they were about to start.

 

When Kibum got back thirty minutes later, I was already a loser to the game—but was still hanging around my cousins on the floor—, so I could notice that Kibum appeared to be a little more distracted than he was this morning as he sat down on the couch near me.

I couldn't ask because something in his body language told me not to do it that moment. But I placed my head close to his knees and nudged him a little with my temple, to let him know I was there.

And I knew he was already smiling a little when I felt his fingers sneaking through the back of my hair. So I smiled a little too and nudged him again.

*

 

It was nearly fifteen past nine pm and I just got back inside after escorting out Seunghyun hyung and his family—the last guest that left—when I heard my mother said out loud from the pantry. "Bring this when you get home."

I was puzzled at first because I wasn't sure my mother was talking to me or anyone in particular since she was busy with food containers and plastic bags.

So I walked closer, and was just about to open my mouth to ask, but then she suddenly spoke again, looking up for a second to see me before quickly back to the table "I pack some old kimchi, sweet sour pork and some bone soup for you. I see that boy like the bone soup broth. It's good for him too."

I honestly wanted to tell her that she didn't have to get so worked up about it but she kept talking and talking about the food so I couldn't cut her off.

"Do you want the ribs ? I'll pack some too. And radish soup—"

"Mom." I called her for the first time that day, she wasn't listening.

"There should be some left, I know—"

"Mom." I called louder and when she finally looked up to me again and held my stare for the first time in six years, I smiled softly to her and said "Thankyou."

"Yeah." My mother answered almost soundlessly after some time, looking so much like she's holding back tears, but then she broke our eye contact again and started closing the food container lids, muttering with a much clearer voice "Yeah."

I left to look for Kibum after it.

*

 

Kibum was standing in front of the big window that lead to the balcony in my old bedroom—Jun was still sound asleep in the bed—when I found him.

He was distracted again that he didn't seem to hear the door opened, so I tiptoed until I was standing right behind him, before I sneaked my arms around his waist and leaned down to bite his shoulder through the fabric of his clothes in close seconds.

"Jinki ?!" he was startled, scolding me using the annoyed tone again as he hit my hands that was resting on his tummy "Stop doing things like that."

I just laughed, immune to the rage and just pulled him back even closer. Before I heard him sighing, but I knew wasn't because of what I did.

So I frowned a bit as I put my chin properly on his shoulder and finally asked "What is it that have been budging you ?"

Kibum shook his head a bit, seemed like thinking so hard to tell me but in the end, after a minute of silence, contemplating silence, I heard him asked me doubtly. "Did you.. did you notice your mom wasn't downstairs right after the dinner end ?"

 _No, I didn't._ So I shook my head as I frowned again. "Why ?"

"She was.. She was here, Jinki." He said then, suddenly joining his fingers to mine and clenched them tightly "When I was about to put Jun sleep here after you and your father asked me to."

I nodded slowly, squeezing his hand back, encouraging him to continue, knowing there's so much more to it.

Kibum took a deep breath slowly before he continued "The door was a bit ajar, so I could see and hear her. She was.." he gulped hardly "She was kneeling on the side of your bed. Praying. In tears."

Kibum shuddered a bit that I instinctively held him closer.

"She was praying for you... God. You have to hear her yourself. She didn't cry so much. But from the crack of her voice, I know she's been holding a lot of pain. She's been keeping all of it to herself.

"She prayed for you, Jinki. Then for me and for * _that little boy*_ too. She prayed for us to be _happy_. For God to _just please_ let us be happy." Kibum's voice had already gotten caught in his throat when he said that.

"She loves you.. she loves you that much, Jinki."

And because Kibum's body had already shook too much, I couldn't stand it again that I decided to turn him around and pull him into my embrace.

"I see." I said, shushing him, stroking his hair, rubbing his back. "I see."

"When she found me outside," He continued "She didn't say anything. She looked at Jun's sleeping for a little while, tho. But she still didn't say anything and went downstairs again.

"When the house assistant came to help me setting the aircon, she said your mother told her to do so, so Jun wouldn't get sweaty. She told me that your mother always make sure to keep your room clean too. She never replace anything. Like you'll.. you'll come back here someday.."

I gulped hardly too, feeling a little sting on my eyes so I held Kibum a little bit closer. For us both.

"God, Jinki." I heard his muffled sound right beside my ear "How could I.. how could I snatch you away from her ?" He sounded like already on the verge of tears.

"No. You don't." I told him quietly "You don't, Kibum."

Kibum just shook his head violently as I heard his wheezing breaths.

"You have to be good to your mother, alright ?" He said to me, demanding "Alright, Jinki ?"

I could say nothing so I just nodded and let him bury his slightly wet face on my neck.

Because I knew that despite his tough exterior, Kibum never ever put himself first. He always thought about me so much that I liked to jokingly say that he'd cross the ocean for me.

He only smiled everytime I said that.

I knew he would.

And I could never love him enough for it.

*

 

"Say goodbye, Jun. Say goodbye to grandpa and grandma." Kibum told Jun to bow and bide my parents goodbye in Korean.

Jun, who was just a bit groggy, proceeded to put his two hands on his round stomach before he bowed his body but not his head, so it looked funny again _"Goodbye."_ Jun said in Korean, tho the intonation sounded a bit off.

I saw my mother just nodded on the side, while my father ruffled my boy's hair and replied him by a happy "Goodbye, Jun." before he suddenly got something from behind his back, a box with a yellow and black wrapping and gave it to Jun. "Here, Jun-ie. Grandpa bought you a present."

"N-No, Dad." I almost felt bad when I saw that "You don't have to give him anything."

While Jun's eyes had already grew big and sparkled as he was handed the box "Peasants." He said in english, in an awe tone.

"Mr. Lee," Kibum seemed like he wanted to reject the gift too "It's your birthday. You don't have—"

"Eish." My Dad cut us off, then looked at the little boy with so much affection "Just let me give something for my grandson once. Right, Jun-ie ?"

"I got peasants." Jun was still too in love with the box, before then he lifted it with two hands above his head, then glanced to me and Kibum discreetly like we had some conspiracy of stealing presents before this.

I looked to Kibum and he was looking at me too, so I just shrugged to him in the end, letting him decide it.

"Then say thankyou, Jun. _Thankyou_." He spelled the _thankyou_ for Jun to follow.

So Jun handed his present to me so he could put his two bare hands on his round stomach, bowing his body but not his head again and said "Thankyou." in Korean to my father then turned a bit to the side and did it to my mother too.

I saw my mother's lips twitched a bit, like she was about to smile but I guessed I'd never know.

 

We carried Jun together as we walked to the car, joining our hands so Jun was safe in between us. Feeling so many things jumbled in our head and hearts.

Jun was still chattering to us—and to himself, mostly—about his _peasants._ While under our little boy's weight, I held Kibum's fingers tighter and tighter, like the last time we walked this path together.

Knowing that we shared the same memories, thoughts and hopes.

No words needed.

 

After we put Jun back on his baby car seat, making sure to secure the belt, I went to the driver side—Kibum sat beside Jun again—and started the engine.

Then while Kibum was busy helping the excited Jun tearing his gift wrapping—that little rascal just couldn't wait—, I glanced back to the house direction before squinting as I thought I saw a figure was peeking out of the window

And after a while, I realized it was my mother. Sending me off. Sending us off.

Because that was what she did everyday for eighteen years, whenever I went to school or to play soccer with my team or to go out on weekend.

I gulped before taking a deep breath as I pulled the handbrake and stepped on the gas, finally, to go back home.

I didn't know what would be enough. But I hoped, someday, we'd come across her wall so that we could spare her the pain.

 

 


	7. In The Beginning Was The Blob

**(Or How To Be a Drama Queen**

 

**by Kim Kibum)**

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Pre-Jun_

 

**1\. 12 weeks**

 

It was a very... _strange_ feeling, so to speak.

That was in between excitement and joy and fear, but mostly went along with a _'shit, it's real'_.

I didn't really know what to say when the caregiver and Jihye, our surrogate--who was lying on the examination table with her bare, round belly slicked with ultrasound gel--, looked up at me, both were giving me a similar kind of smile--I thought they sorta made a perfect print ad for the clinic right then--like I was expected to give a coherent two cents.

Which again, I wasn't able to.

(Jinki would, but he's not here. Thanks to the damn cold germs that prevented him to go near to the pregnant Jihye.)

 

I mean, knowing this.. this thunder of galloping horses-alike sound I heard ( _150 beats per minutes and it's all looking good_ \--said the caregiver) and that blob of an oblong shape with four tiny-funny looking limbs-- _were they even ?_ \--on the 12 inches black and white screen I saw were parts of an entirety of a being, of a baby-- _my_ baby--, all words just ceased to exist.

 

"Kibum.." I felt Jihye's warm hands circled my wrist as she tugged me back into the realm of nowsville "Would you like to get the pictures printed ? Doctor Anna asked.."

"Uh ? Yeah.." I said, embarassingly a little shaky, before I got myself together and finally smiled a bit to Jihye "Yeah.. Of course."

"Jinki would like to see." She added, eyes gleaming with sincerity.

"Right." That was _just_ what I was about to say.

I laughed nervously to her again and blamed it all to the bloodrush that made my head spin from earlier.

*

 

Jinki was coughing a laugh to an old Chris Rock show re-run on HBO--with our favorite quilt and scatters of tissues on his lap--when I arrived at the loft, five ultrasound pictures weighing inside the front pocket of my messenger bag.

"Have you take your evening medicine yet ?" I asked him as I walked closer to the back of the couch where he sat, then reached my hand out to feel his forehead from behind. It was still a little warm.

Jinki looked a little surprised at first, but smiling blindingly nonetheless as he arched his neck back to look up at me, before he spoke with a runny nose blocking his words "Yes, _mommy_." (Which sounded more like _"Yed, bommy."_ )

There's an obvious teasing undertone at that which made me press my lips together in a straight line. Feeling something akin to giddiness, but also hesitancy at the same time.

All these things still seemed a little unreal. And Jinki just _had to_ remind me.

"Howd the ultradound ?" Jinki finally, verbally asked me as I sat down beside him.

I stared back at his expectant eyes for a while, before returning his raised eyebrows with a long exhale, and I fished inside my bag for the pictures.

"It's all good, the doctor said." I said after I handed him the pictures "It still looks a little like alien, but.. it hasn't fully developed yet in twelve weeks, so it's supposed to look like that." I recited what the caregiver said. Anything that stuck in my mind, at least.

"And I heard the heartbeat." I continued, taking a long, deep breath "It sounded kinda like horses galloping into a war.."

 

I swallowed again and turned to watch Jinki as he went through the ultrasound pictures, holding my breath unconsciously as I did so. 'Cause boy, was I nervous.

And it was when I finally saw Jinki's crescent eyes slowly smiled from his cheek, and finding that little glint of adoration as he said softly, a bit nasally "It'd a cude dittle.. blob." that it finally hit me.

That it's real.

We're gonna have a baby.

 

Jesus.

Mary.

And Joseph.

 

Holy-shit.

 

"..Kibum ? Why are you spacing ou--"

"We're having a _baby,_ Jinki." I said numbly, staring at and through him as my fingers might or might not trying to strangle his wrist and stop his blood vessel from working.

"Yeah, I figured ?" Jinki was amused, to say the least "Dince dhree month ago ?"

"I mean.." I gulped hardly, before I finally really looked at him, and started to gape like a goldfish "I mean.. I.. I haven't even told my mother yet... Shit. She's going to kill me. Shit. I need to call her." 'Cause I already foresaw a chewing out for at least half an hour before a stern request for me to be _absolutely sure_ to fly her here when the baby's born.

"And We're.. God.." I felt like banging my head to the wall "We don't even prepare things like a.. fuckin crib or a fuckin.. stroller or a fuckin.. pacifier or a.. a.. I don't know.. diaper rash cream ?

"And shit. I know I have that Pottery Barn catalog from the mail last month. They have sale for the kids line. Do you know that one ? I thought I still saw it lying around last week. Did I throw it away ? Have I take thrash out this week yet ? Did I place it on this drawer ? Did I--"

"Kibum.."

"Yes ?" I turned to Jinki, sights blurry and head spinning once again from all the panic haste.

"It'd 'ere." Jinki showed me the darn catalog I was speaking of which he retrieved from the vacant space of the couch on his other side. Then he nodded slooo~wly to me, saying a little too carefully "Breadhe."

Which made me realize I had my mouth hanging open and that I had to have that crazy eyes I always got whenever I freaked out and in a full drama-queen mode which looked so hideous by the way I didn't even know how Jinki could even put up with me.

I watched Jinki as he finally smiled after I closed my mouth and swallowed in my embarassment.

That I could just stared back at him, at that gaze of affection (and a little mirth) he's always giving me in a wrong time, wrong situation, which finally, could only make me sigh and melt.

"God, I fuckin' love you." I said as I grabbed his face and smashed our mouths together. All teeth, dry lips and a little snot.

It's not our best kiss--well, obviously--, but it tasted just the same (if maybe a little salty.)

 

I snatched the catalog from Jinki's hand as soon as I let him go and started to go through the pages right after, but not missing the proud smirk thrown my way and a low, amused "I figured dhat doo."

Then Jinki blew his nose.

*

 

**2\. 24 weeks**

 

There's this look I especially loved on Kibum--that beat the other thousand-faces-I-loved-on-him in a tight competition--. And that was when he was focused on something.

How his eyes would often hold a firm, sharp gaze. How he's worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. How his fingers just had to play with something, anything--his pen, his stress ball, his shirt button, his other hand--that was on his reach to help him concentrate.

(And I thought I fell for him just like that. From small motion--and notion--that ended up in explosion.)

But this time, a little different from the other, Kibum was all worked up not because of a new challenge or a work, but because of a call to her mother.

Because just like her son, My mother-in-law could also be a handful, at times.

"...Yes. Okay. Calm down. We have that already. Yeah. Wha-- witch hazel ? No, I don't think we have that one yet. But I'm _sure_ they have it here. No.. no, Ma. Okay.. okay. Go charge your phone, then we'll talk again. Ye~s. Bye, _Grandma._ "

 

I already got back to my notebook while lying down on my stomach when there's a click of a phone, followed by two soft steps and finally, a faint thud as Kibum threw himself on the side of the bed and landing his head on my lower back.

"God. My mom's such a drama-queen." He sighed loudly.

I tried to hide my laugh with a scoff "I see."

But a painful, stinging slap on my side told me the attempt failed. "Ouch, bum."

"I hate you." He mumbled.

"Like I believe." I counter-attacked too easily.

He just laughed a little before soothing the spot he abused before with his thumb. I hummed in approval.

"How's the name hunt progress ?" Kibum asked, rolling to his side as he's trying to look at the screen of my notebook.

So the thing was, we'd been trying to come up with a name for the baby, that'd been kicking the hell out of Jihye's belly, as she said. (And anyway, It's a _he_ now that we'd found out it's genitalia.)

"How about this.." I pointed to the screen "Blydylwyn ?"

"Blai--what ?" 

"Blydylwyn." I read again, and moved my notebook a little to the side so Kibum could see "It's pronounced _bly-dill-win._ "

Kibum didn't respond nor answer for a while, but when he did, his tone was full of accusation.

"Jink--" He didn't even finish saying my name and just sighed like he was losing words "Is that even _a name_ ? What are _you_ looking at this time ?"

"This stupidkidnames.com," I showed him and burst out laughing right away 'cause I thought it was very funny and Kibum was usually so easy to troll.

But when I turned my head to look at him again in the middle of my laughing fit, Kibum had that priceless _'wtf'_ face he always got whenever he spotted an unforgivable fashion criminal on the street.

I had to stop "Okay, not funny." _Abort mission._

"It's just.." Kibum shook his head "He's gonna carry that name for the rest of his life, you know. And with that Lee.. _Blyginwyl_." He glared to me to emphasize "Our son's gonna be an outcast even in diapers."

I laughed again because his prophecy sounded about true, but then I stopped as I realized there's something that tickled me right in Kibum's words.

"I like the sound of that." I said as I slowly rolled around, pushing my notebook aside as I lied on my back, then scooped Kibum up my chest.

"You.." Kibum said as he crawled up by himself and settled his head just under my jaw "like that our son's gonna be an out--"

" _Our son_." I looked down to him, smiling foolishly "I like that.".

"Yeah." Kibum smiled back as he rubbed my chest softly, sighing "I can't wait to meet him."

I nodded and lifted my hand to cup Kibum's side of face loosely and stared at his feline eyes "I hope he'll have your eyes.."

When Kibum shook his head, I lifted my eyebrows in confusion.

"I hope he'll have Jihye's." He smiled triumphantly "Her eyes look so much like yours. So I want to see it on him.. Her nose's kind of similar with you too, don't you think so ?"

I just muffled a laugh at that "Aren't we done with this Jihye-is-Jinki's-doppelganger discussion ?"

"It still fazes me, alright !" Kibum shook his head animatedly "She's even a lit-graduate like you. Tho, thank God she's not as corny."

I laughed again "We're lucky to have her."

"Absolutely." Kibum agreed, smiling and nodding and all, before he seemed to remember something and he scrunched his face "But, she.. said something to me when I delivered the milk and the vitamin we bought for her yesterday."

I raised my eyebrows and gestured him to continue.

"I kinda mentioned that we're busy looking for a name for the baby. And she told me not to tell her the name we'll pick."

"Oh ?" I furrowed my eyebrows "Because.."

"Yeah. She.. really doesn't want to be involved. She asked politely not to hear anything regarding the baby's life that we plan for after the surrogacy," There's another long, deep breath after that ", and you know in the contract that we signed with the agency, it's written that it's prohibited for the surrogate mother to see the baby after birth. Unless we give her the permission. Tho, Jihye said she'll just do everything written in the contract."

Kibum was chewing his bottom lips again, as I noticed.

"I guess it's hard.. you know, detaching yourself from something that was, literally, a part of you. My mom told me there's just something.. psychologically magical when you're carrying a baby in your womb. How you develop connection through the whole nine months and through labor pain.

"Well, we're not women so we wouldn't ever know the emotional turmoil a pregnant mother has to get through. We're not women so we're..." Kibum took a deep sigh again before he finally looked at me with a frown "Are we gonna be good parents, Jinki ? Are we gonna understand just how much our baby's worth ? With us not _really_ struggling to have him at all ?"

I sighed back as I smiled a little to him, patting his hand and shook my head. Kibum could be a little silly sometimes.

"I think you forget that you--we--have struggled just as much, Kibum. We've been through _so_ much. Even blood and fist." I softly tapped his jaw where my father punched him. How I still hated myself for it. "We've come all the way here to meet _him,_ our little guy. We already know how much he's worth it. And one day, he's gonna understand how much his parents love him. So, don't beat yourself up over it."

Kibum stared at me for a while, before he briefly closed his eyes, nodded and sighed again "I'm being a drama-queen again, aren't I ?"

I just shrugged and laughed, but then faked a shiver as I widened my eyes to him after "And to think I'm gonna deal with *two* drama-queens in June."

Kibum slapped me again on my side, but smiled and nodded nonetheless in the end "June."

"June." I nodded back, before I slowly frowned as I suddenly got an idea and turned to look at Kibum again to ask "June ?"

"June ?" Kibum asked back.

(I disregarded the thought that we sounded kinda stupid.)

"June. Jun. J-u-n." I tilted my head "How about that ? Jun. _Lee Jun._ "

Kibum made a cute dumb face at me for a minute, before he raised his eyebrows, licked his lips and seemed to take the whole century to consider about it. "It's... good."

"It's genius." I poked him on his waist where he's the most sensitive "Acknowledge it."

Kibum gritted his teeth as he finally answered "It is," before he pouted then started to slap me all over again "I hate you ! You pick our precious kid's name too easily ! We don't even look up what it means ! And I love it already !"

"Kibum, sto--Ouch! This is domestic violen--"

*

 

**3\. 38 weeks (and 7 days)**

 

We're in the middle of a frustating wrestle; impatient kisses, tangle of hands trying to hold and touch and dominate each other at the same time.

We knew we're actually spent, emotionally and physically, with all our jobs and preparation for the little guy. But it's all forgotten the second Jinki took my face in one hand to kiss me, and the other reached between my legs (while we're supposed to just lazing around, watching some mind-numbing tv show.)

Cause _fuck,_ as a very quick afterthought, this might be the last time we got to have sex before the baby arrived (and before my mom came in the evening the next two days.)

Then the phone rang, right when Jinki finally helped discard my tight briefs.

The _kitchen_ phone. (Since we might have or have not knocked the table phone-- _and_ the lamp--over along the way.)

We decided to ignore it, because it's just my turn to finally reach my hand in between our legs, Jinki hissing desperately--

But whoever on the phone was having none of it, that it kept screaming and screaming and annoyed the hell out of us so that I told Jinki just to get down from the couch and pick it up.

When he walked back to me, a minute later, in all of his sweaty skin and hung-ness glory, he looked like he's having a mental breakdown and just stood there behind the back of the couch and gaping for a minute.

"What ?" I bolted to sit up "What happen ?"

"Jihye.." Jinki finally opened his mouth "Jihye's water broke twenty minutes ago. She's almost reaching Allegheny with Chloe."

"Holy-shit." was the only thing I could emit, followed by a series of "Oh God."s and "Fuck."s as we scrambled around to get dressed--of course after I hit Jinki on his sides to pull him out from his trance--.

 

After we got in to the car, Jinki reached out for my fingers and I intertwined both of ours in a tight squeeze.

So that we held hands all the way over there. No single word exchanged.

*

We were told that Jihye was already assigned to the delivery room when we reached the maternity ward twenty minutes later and met Chloe--her housemate and pregnancy coach--outside the door.

Chloe filled us in on Jihye's condition while we were not there. That she had been given the epidural and was already at six centimeters now. The pushing would start at ten so it'd take about two, three hours tops until the finish line.

Jinki and I both breathed out nervously at that.

 

I had to admit that Jihye looked pretty awful as I saw her when we entered the delivery room. She was so pale and soaked with sweat in her hospital gown, despite the air conditioning.

I greeted her with a quiet "Hey," as I stood by the bed and carefully brushed out a streak of damp hair that was sticking on her cheek.

"Hey, daddies." She greeted us back, smiling brightly.

And I didn't even know how she could do that--teasing us, on top of it--when she seemed like she's holding a lot of pain. Because as if on cue, she was wincing right after that.

("She's nearing seven centimeters now." The nurse who was monitoring her contraction piped in.)

"God." Jihye panted, patted her sides and laughed a little through her wince "He just.. can't wait to meet you.. guys, I guess."

I laughed a little too at her, before then I felt a sudden sting on my eyes that was so intense I couldn't brush off.

And since I was a dummie at words, all that I could do on that near-crucial time was to take Jihye's small hand in mine and squeezed it with all my might.

"Jihye, I- I just.. we just.." I turned at Jinki for a second for support, and when I saw him nodding with a serene smile to me, I turned back to Jihye and said with a little more assurance "We know we can't thank you enough. For everything. For the last nine months. But we still want to say.. Thankyou. Thankyou so much." 

"Please just come to us if you need anything." Jinki added, taking a step closer to pat Jihye's hand that was in mine "You're already a part of our family. And you're _not_ allowed to think otherwise."

Jihye only nodded while smiling at us. But when she blinked for that last time we saw her, there's a quiet tear rolling down her pale cheek.

 

Not long after it, Jihye's face started to scrunch painfully again and we were ushered out to wait, for the longest two and an half hours in our lives.

*

 

Lee Jun was born in Pittsburgh, PA; at 03.14, on June 23; weighed in at 7 pounds ; and measured at 20 inches in length.

 

I heard his first cry that woke me right up when I was almost asleep on Jinki's shoulder right then. And we both jumped at the sound as if it was the siren of a rescue boat. Jinki almost spilled his first iced coffee for the day.

We were the only family using the delivery room at the maternity ward at the time, so we couldn't be mistaken. It had to be.

"Oh my God." I felt myself trembling a little as I stood up, tho before I knew it, Jinki was already pulling me into his arms and giving me the warmth and the third and fourth legs I needed, so that we walked right to the front of the delivery room door like siamese twins, waiting for our son.

 

He was rolled out in a baby warmer on wheel when the door opened--after another fifteen minutes that felt like eternity--by the nurse on duty, who was kind enough to let us interrupt her work so we could see him before she took him into the waiting nursery.

 

Jun was small, bald and a little pink from birth.

Also incredibly soft and warm as I tried to carefully caress his tiny fist with my finger.

And I was in the middle of trying to come up with a right word to describe Jun, in between all of the awe and joy and fear, when the boy suddenly yawned and opened his little eyes for a while.

And I saw Jinki on him.

I. Fuckin. Saw. _Jinki._

After I saw _me_ \--mostly on his tiny pouts--.

And it was.. the feeling was.. indescribable.

I thought I'd bawl right there on the floor had Jinki not been there to hold me. So, the dam was succesfully secured and I only let out a few strangled tears.

 

But when the nurse had to really perform her duty and take Jun away; when I finally turned and saw Jinki and his crescent eyes and every single thing that I loved about him and remembered our tiny, beautiful--that's the perfect word--son, I couldn't hold it in any longer and started to sob in his chest.

Jinki was mumbling something like "drama-queen" over and over again while I cried, but his kisses on my crown and his caresses on the back of my head were enough to tell me he's not even complaining this time.

 

'Cause I thought I would never be this happy.

But when I got, not just one, but two things--two people--that meant more than this world to me, I realized it's not just a luck.

It's a blessing.

And funny how it all started with a blob.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Disclaimer: In no way, representing real Korean society, that I know nothing about except for some things I got from netizen buzzing and handsome foreigners discussion on jtbc_
> 
> _Anyway, here, have your hormonal teenager Jun!_

 

_Teenage Jun, Ten Years Later­_

 

 

Have you ever despise something? Like so strongly, so suddenly, you never expected you would feel that way?

 

My name's Jun, I was 15, and I totally, absolutely hated my fucking life.

*

 

I was considering my option:

1\. Walk past Papa as fast as I could when I arrived at home, straight to my room, change into a sweater in this summer (which would raise suspicion.)

2\. Never come out from my room until it faded (which would only make him barge into my room.)

3\. Snatch some of Papa's make-up cream—whichever it was, to cover it—like what Papa used for his face to keep it flawless.

 

In the end, I decided as I pulled the collar of my uniform back to it's place, that the bruise on my collarbones wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. So If Papa would ever find and flip out, I'd just have to tell him another lie. (Even that this time I had no tournament around to back up my excuse.)

I shrugged to myself before I realized that the barber which window glass I used to assess my bruise was staring at me from his shop like there's something stinky under his nose, like I was an ill-mannered kid he's about to adopt as his kid, so I just made a face to him (which made him looked pretty shook) before I kicked the curb, back to the road, wasting my time by walking only on the red brick tiles and avoiding the greys.

 

There's no one in the living room and kitchen when I came in, so I breathed out a sigh of relief.

But then I found Papa was putting laundry in my closet when I got to my room.

(Papa was really, I supposed you could say, beautiful. He was tall and lean—I got that from him biologically—, with tiny face, pale white skin, cat-like eyes and button nose. I was considering, plenty of times, to call him _Momma_ because of it. Tho mostly it's because of his nagging.)

"Hey, big guy." He said briefly when he noticed my presence, flashing a smile before turning back to the stack of my clothes.I answered with a lazy grunt and a roll of eyes at the pet name.

"How's school?" He asked. Same old, same old.

"Sucks?" I offered.

He sent me a disapproving glare. But I was already immune to it.

"Pa, can you go out?" I asked, I felt like he loitered in my room longer than necessary "I want to change."

"Aww, why are you being all embarassed?" He made a face "I used to clean your poop and wipe your ass all the time."

"Pa, please."

"Alright." Papa laughed "I make beef casserole for lunch. Don't pick at the carrot on the rolls I'm gonna find out."

I rolled my eyes again. Definitely a _Momma_.

*

 

You might be wondering why I compared my father to a mother.

 _Is it because you don't have one?_ Well, I guess that's true to a certain extent.

 _Then is it because you only have a single parent like most of your classmates do?_ The answer's no.

I had a set of parents. Although both of which, were gentlemen.

Which felt just normal, really—I mean, I didn't even understand why they had to make me sit and listen to them explaining why I got two daddies instead of one daddy and one mommy like everyone else when I was eleven, because I thought there's nothing wrong with it—.

I just realized the gravity of this when grade nine and Shin Jae Kyung happened.

*

 

We had no teacher for two hours chemistry class and left to our own devices, and look at what happened.

Shoes off, playing cards out, blazers off, cellphones out, make-up equipment out, _bullies out._

 

I was talking to Ah Rin, the prettiest girl in class—heck, maybe in whole grade—when the ball of crumpled paper hit the back of my head before it rolled down to the side of my hand and fell on the floor.

I automatically turned around to look for the culprit. And found the big bloke from baseball team, Shin Jae Kyung, flipped me off then laughed with his crowd in the back of the class.

"Ignore it," Ah Rin, which was the prettiest girl in whole grade, and also my childhood friend and my neighbor, tried to calm me down by holding my hand (this thing kept giving me electricity lately, I didn't know if Ah Rin ate light switch for breakfast or something.)

"I'm not going to come over to him to challenge him or something." I said to her.

She gave me a frown and a smile which looked kinda funny, but made two little dimples at both sides of her lips appear anyway.

I picked up the paper.

"Don't read it, Jun-ie."

"It's alright." It's not, but this kind of thing confronted me later, in the back of my mind at night.

_You suck one of your daddies off too, this morning?_

My blood pressure automatically rushed to my head at those words.

I knew this was just my dose of daily verbal bullying ever since Shin Jae Kyung found out about my parents and their sexual orientation and had to insist that I was an abomination by terrorizing me ever since.

But things never got any easier.

 

 _Two trembling fists_ "I'm going to kill him." Said a voice who wasn't me.

"Ah Rin-ah." I held her wrist when she already stood up. Apparently, she read the notes, too. (And sometimes, she _did_ get more worked up about it than I did.)

She looked down at me with deep frowns, eyes blazing "You can't let him keep doing this to you."

"Aren't you the one that tell me to ignore it?" I asked her back "It's okay."

It'd never be, but what could I do?

*

 

"I think maybe he likes you."

"Who?" Ah Rin furrowed her eyebrows.

"Shin Jae Kyung." I answered.

"Don't make me barf." She pretended to throw up.

We were walking back together, at some rare opportunity when I didn't have sparring after school and Ah Rin wasn't practicing. She's a dancer, like her mother.

"That's why he's torturing me." I explained "Because I'm close to you."

Ah Rin rolled her eyes. I just realized from where I picked up my recent habit.

"Is your Daddy home yet?" She asked then.

I shrugged. Ah Rin really liked my Dad (I'm not going to call him Daddy anymore, it sounded so kiddish.) Or more likely, Ah Rin liked my Dad's punny jokes I was never going to find funny.

"He should have finished his conference yesterday though." I told her.

 

I walked Ah Rin to his house and met his appa, who was working for my grandpa and a long time friend of my fathers.

"See you later, Minho samchun." I bowed to him from outside the door.

"Let's do some basketball later, Jun-ie." He yelled, waving at me, but not moving from in front of the tv that was airing some soccer match re-run.

(Ah Rin rolled her eyes again from where she was holding the front door open. Her appa was too passionate about sport for her liking.)

"And send my utmost caring hate for Kibum!" Minho samchun added, as an afterthought.

 

Minho samchun really liked to quarrel with my Papa. I would think they had bad blood between them if I didn't know better (because most of their fights were good-naturedly, like the best of frenemies.)

 

"Sure," I snort-laughed a little, ready to turn back.

"Jun," Ah Rin suddenly called, concern showing on her eyes. I raised my eyebrows.

"Don't think about it, alright?" She said "About Shin Jae Kyung."

I just shrugged "I'm not going too."

*

 

But that wasn't what happened.

When I got home, I wasn't in the mood to announce my arrival like usual (as I was lately), so I just came in without any sound.

And what welcomed me, as I passed by the kitchen, was a sight that made me feel like I was intruding something absolutely private.

 

"Jinki! Stop it! You're gonna burn your hands!"

My Dad had gotten home, alright. And he seemed like a happy, bubbly kid as per usual as everytime he was around Papa.

(Dad was really, I supposed you could say, handsome. He had well-defined, clean looking feature. Prominent adam apple, small eyes. He was smart, he was kind, he was gentle and he got your typical dad, bad jokes.)

 

This time, Dad had his arms around Papa's waist, and just clinging around to him while Papa was busy walking around the kitchen, nuzzling at his neck.

When Papa finally shrieked as Dad slid his hand under his shirt and tickled his side, I couldn't help but to feel a frown making it's way to my forehead.

I guessed I should be happy knowing my parents were still so in love with each other (many of my friends' were divorced.) 

But—I was quite sure this happened to every kid—seeing your parents being affectionate to each other sometimes felt kind of too much for the stomach.

_You suck one of your daddies off too, this morning?_

I felt something churn in my gut and finally decided to slip in quietly to my room and put my headphones on.

*

 

"Look what we have here."

 _Here we are again,_ I sighed quietly as the corridor of hell, where Shin Jae Kyung was the king of the castle, came upon me.

I was, by no means, a weakling. Maybe it had something to do with my biological features, but I held blue belt in taekwondo. And I found it irrational to pick a fight just because I could.

I wasn't the type of kid that got into trouble and my grades were alright. So I wasn't going to let him got into me.

I'd let him call me names and shove me around as long as I still could defend myself and it didn't hurt anyone else.

The last bruise on my collarbones was from Shin Jae Kyung tripped me down the one of the school's neighborhood stairs and stepped on my shoulder blades.

Papa never actually found out about that so I just treated it myself as I had experiences from sport bruises.

I knew I could've won against Shin Jae Kyung in a duel, if only he didn't have those fuckers following him around to incapacitate his every rival. Coward.

"What do you call him in english? _Fatgot?_ "

 _Your english as bad as they come_ , I remarked. But there's really no point in insulting the linguistic skill of a mountain troll, so I just stood my ground when one of his minions tried to shove me aside.

*

 

"Jun-ie?"

I pried one of the ear of my headphone off and turned my head back to see Dad was standing behind me with the smile that supposedly could blind the world.

"Dad," I frowned as my fingers moved quickly to close the browser tab I was reading on my phone "Can't you like, you know, knock first?"

"I've knocked a thousand times already." He seemed sort of wounded "You won't hear me with that thing blasting to rupture your ear drums."

"Still..." I said as I was turning my head back again, fumbling with my phone to open random application I wasn't going to use.

Then Dad was ruffling my hair "How is my big guy doing? You like to keep to yourself lately."

I shrugged "Fine."

"Does this puberty that hit you?" Dad asked, frowning sadly "It's been too long for me. I'm an old man, as your Papa might add."

"Yeah, maybe."

Then Dad had this smile, that got some kind of longing on it "Sometimes I miss when you were still this small." He made a gesture with his thumb and point finger "You always liked to sleep in my arms."

"Dad.." Seriously, what's with the melancholy of my dads lately "Cut it out."

He laughed "Sometimes, you really _really_ resemble Kibum, with both of your no-nonsense. Well, I'll leave you now. Talk to me and your Papa occasionally about anything, okay? I'm sorry if I've been so busy lately."

"Nah," I just really wanted to be left alone now "I know you're the university rector now."

"Yeah. But your Papa and I will always be here for you, you know?"

"Of course."

I wouldn't say, wouldn't even try to consciously think that it's you both that'd been the reason of the hurdles in my life these days.

*

 

There's some unusual crowd in the corridor that noon. I had no qualms about that at all, so that I didn't realize it was my locker that had become the center of attention.

_'Wants a homo good time? Call 010-xxx-xxx! You can either pick me or my dad!'_

Fuck. So that's why my phone had been ringing nonstop with unknown numbers.

"This is going overboard."

I didn't know when Ah Rin arrived, but she had already charged forward to rip the paper off my locker and shooed everyone while I was still frozen.

"I know." I somehow found my voice "I'm going to confront him."

"No, Jun." Ah Rin shook her head "Just report it to the teacher."

"And what? Make Shin Jae Kyung get anymore reason to think I'm a pushover?"

"Jun." She warned me.

"Ah Rin," I called her back and just frowned at her, begging, then I turned around.

"Jun.."

I already walked away from her.

*

 

Shin Jae Kyung was smoking in the unused toilet in the back of school building when I found him, because apparently, with the void of his brain, that's the only thing that could make him feel more manly.

"Look who's here." He sing-songed.

"Cut it out." I didn't waste time to respond to him.

"What do you say?"

"Cut it out. Stop bothering me when I don't even bother you."

"Geez. Here I was hoping I've knocked some sense into you by punching you like in every chance I got. So let me phrase it for you: even your existence is a bother."

Shin Jae Kyung walked toward me, but then when he grabbed my collar, I did the same with his since we're actually the same height and he seemed almost automaticaly shook.

We stared each other like wild animals, assessing, and I could visibly see him getting the tiny bit terrified, somewhere in between his wave of emotions.

I got some more drop of courage because of it that I tightened the grip on his collar "Leave me the fuck alone."

Then Shin Jae Kyung screeched like a tortured animal as he pushed me back by the force of his huge body, but I did my footwork to trip him down to the ground.

I regained my standing as he fell, face first, like a big tree being cut off and I felt some kind of triumph.

Before, of course, Shin Jae Kyung screamed at his minions to get me and I was down within a second, held by two guys in a size of elephant.

I knew what's coming but at least I'd made my point.

Loser.

*

 

I was feeling rather resigned, detached as I got home. I felt like a sack of crushed potatoes and I knew that there's no way I'd get away with it this time.

"Jun-ie?!"

Papa, as expected, flipped out as soon as he saw me "What the hell happened to you?!"

He was going to hold my face but I turned away because I knew it's going to hurt. "Nothing."

"What nothing?!" He's mad already "I'm going to call your daddy."

"Whatever." I said, ready to go to my room. I just really wanted to sleep it off.

"Lee Jun!" _Here comes the full name attack_ "Stay where you are!"

I did what I was told when Papa anxiously trying to find his phone and try to get a hold of Dad.

 

Thirty minutes later, I was nursing my bruised face in the living room when Dad finally came home and sit beside Papa across my side of the couch.

Papa still fumed, Dad was just worried.

"What happened, Jun-ie?" Dad asked, cautiously.

"I got into a fight." There's no way out of this.

"Obviously." Papa snorted "How come I didn't get called by your teacher?"

"It didn't happen at school."

"Why are you fighting?" Dad asked again.

I shrugged "Some guy kind of challenged me."

"And you answered to that?!" Papa said, voice rising.

"Kibum.." Dad warned Papa, then he turned back to me "You're not the type to answer to such petty fight like that. What happened exactly?"

I didn't answer, just looking away until I heard my Dad sighed.

"You have to tell me or your Papa if there's anything wrong, Jun." He said, mildly perturbed "And just for good measure, you're grounded for a week. No tv, no computer, no going out, no phone use without supervision."

"Whatever." I said as I left my phone on the coffee table, then I left the living room.

*

 

It started to get worse by then. I didn't know who did everything else, but some of my textbooks were full of scribbles and I got stares from people who had the chance to saw my locker the other day.

Ah Rin was the one who held his head high for me. Well, it’s not like I even remotely cared about other people or something.

When Ah Rin wasn't around, some people just elbowed me from the way out of spite. I just gritted my teeth and sighed.

I always thought I could endure this. Just less than a year now before high school. I wasn’t sure anymore.

*

 

_Fag. Homo. Suck my dick. You smell like cum._

I tried to erase all of those scribblings off my books.

They were not that many, but all in random places. I assumed they somehow got into my locker when I was in P.E or after school.

I seriously didn't get what bothered these people so much. How could you live with so much hate?

I wasn't even gay. _Well, you don't know that_. I hope I wasn't though.

 _I hope my kid won't suffer like this_ , I thought subcobsciously, bitterly, as I pressed my eraser down harder, _or maybe I'm not even going to have a kid_.

 

The knock on my door instinctively made me shut my book close.

"Come in." I said, clearing my throat and thoughts.

It was Papa.

"Jun, Ah Rin-ie's downstairs." He said from the door.

I frowned "I thought you're grounding me?"

"Well, I'll let you off the hook for a while. I mean, it's Ah Rin." He smiled a little.

I didn't feel like returning it so I didn't.

"Okay."

I slipped past Papa, careful not to brush him on the way, as I got out.

I wasn't sure but I thought I saw Papa's face fell a little. I wasn't sure I cared.

*

 

Ah Rin and I went to the park in our neighborhood that was full of little kids.

We first took a seat in the swings but then a pair of twins gave us dirty look so we gave those up and sat on the park bench.

"Are you grounded?"

"I suppose." I shrugged "He let me off the hook because it's you."

Ah Rin snort-laughed. I noticed that she picked up my habit too. "What's with the _he_? Are you mad at your dads?"

I rolled my eyes at her "Do you have to ask?"

She frowned "Well, you shouldn't be."

I frowned back to her "What?"

"They called my dad the night you got into the fight. Asking if he could ask me about school. They regretted grounding you, but with you being emo shut-in and all, they don't have much choice. You're not giving them answer."

"Are you?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level "Are you giving them one?"

"Of course not," Ah Rin seemed insulted "I know how you are, Jun. I'll let you tell them yourself."

I breathed a sigh relief "Well, thankyou then, I guess."

Ah Rin punched my arm, laughing a little "You're welcome then, I guess."

*

 

Talking with Ah Rin made me feel a little better. She's a great friend.

But coming back home honestly still felt like someone dropped a ton of bricks inside my gut.

I saw Dad's blond head was sitting on the couch in the living room, so I attempted to sneak in again.

"Jun." He suddenly called me, voice flat.

Shit. "Yeah?"

"Sit here." He called me, not turning his head.

What did I do wrong this time? I wondered, before I finally saw what sprawled on the coffee table in front of Papa and I was absolutely horrified.

My textbooks that were full of gay slurs scribbles. Fuck.

"Since when did this happen?" Papa asked, frowning distressedly, assessing my face.

"Are you going through my things?!" I was totally annoyed as I stomped closer to gather my textbooks.

"Does this have something to do with your fight yesterday?" Papa asked again, completely ignoring my outburst.

"Why are you going through my things?!"

"It does, huh." Papa shook his head, muttering to himself "I need to talk to someone responsible."

Then he looked up at me "Why don't you tell me or your Dad this kind of thing, Jun? We can help.."

"No! Stay out of it!" I yelled. _Fuck, fuck it_ . "And don't go through my thing ever again."

I stomped upstairs, slammed my door, locked it and blasted some punk music real loud so I wouldn't hear my parents knock.

I didn't come downstairs for dinner. When my stomach growled at midnight, I sneaked out and ate some leftover chicken from the fridge.

*

 

I skipped class the next day because I didn't want to see Shin Jae Kyung's face and spent my time holed up in the library.

When the keeper patroled around and questioned me, I said my teacher kicked me out of class and she gave me a click if tounge.

I ignored her and resumed reading the comic book I sneaked in.

 

Then I went to cafeteria much later than lunch hour, and lied to the ahjumma that I was in the infirmary so I was late.

Lying came easy these days.

 

Then as I was done filling my tray and looked around for seat, I saw someone that seemed like Papa walked by, going out of the building door.

Shit.

I just left my tray on the serving table then, ignoring the ahjumma's yell and stormed outside but Papa was already going in to his car in the parking lot, fuming on his phone.

Double shit.

_What is he doing here?_

 

I was just too anxious to eat so I didn't go back to cafeteria but went straight to where the teachers room was. I had a gut feeling.

I stopped in the corridor close enough to the door where I was able to hear things going on inside.

"....coming here? We're already lenient enough to let the kid get in here. Why don't they just sit still and be quiet? They're gonna set bad example if other students ever find out."

It was him, alright. And eventhough I was mad at my dads, I actually  felt bad to hear someone else badmouthed them.

"He's Mr. Lee Jae Sung's connection. We can't do much."

I knew that name. _My grandpa._

"Well, just let's do the basic procedure. We already let out the name too."

I pushed myself off the wall, didn't want to know if what Papa just did made everything so much worse or not.

*

 

I stayed in the library again until it closed at five and walked home throught the back street when someone yelled my name.

"Yo, Lee Jun!"

Shit.

I turned around to see Shin Jae Kyung posing against the brick wall. I guessed I was too deep in thought not to notice him.

"Look who's dragging her fag dad because he's too scared to ruin his nails."

Shit. So the teacher did call Shin Jae Kyung in.

I just stared at him as he walked toward me.

"I get detention for a week, you faggot." He pushed at my shoulder, I stayed still. "I can't play for this week's match, you pansy ass.

"Are you too much of a woman to handle me by yourself? Like your daddy darling who reported me earlier? He should get his dick checked cuz I'm not sure he has one."

I pushed at his shoulder back "Don't bring my parents into this, you loser."

He punched me in the cheek that was still hurting "Then _you_ shouldn't bring _your_ parents into this. Are you two the same? Do you like it up your ass too like that one? Do your other dad work on you both at the same time?"

I blocked his hand that was aiming for my face again "Then _you_ should stop being a loser and pick on others just because you don't like them."

"Don't answer me." Shin Jae Kyung gritted his teeth, still shoving me back "Don't answer me, you homo."

Then he cornered me to a brick wall, while his two faithful minions made their way behind him like this was some sort of action movie.

"You should die." He spat to the side of my face "Your parents should, too. But maybe not until I fuck your pansy dad because I'm sure he'd like it just fine as long as there's dick in his ass."

At that, I finally lost my sanity and moved to shove and trip Shin Jae Kyung back until he fell on his ass.

I kicked him with all my might before I launched myself down to his big body and started punching his face, before his brainless minions could even register what happened.

The fuck with not misusing martial arts.

I just saw red and kept beating the hell out of him, screaming and blocking the other two guys that wanted to hold me back but my movements were too erratic.

When they finally got me, Shin Jae Kyung was a bloody mess. And eventhough I knew I'd also become like that soon, I was satisfied enough with my work as I spat right to Shin Jae Kyung's face. Then he landed his fist on my eyes and all I saw was black.

*

 

"Waking up?"

I squinted when I woke up and found Ah Rin's face peering at me from above. Then I felt a sharp sting from where my eyes supposed to be and I groaned and closed it again.

"Where am I?" I asked blindly.

"My house." Ah Rin's voice answered.

"Your house?" I slowly opened my eyes again, finally felt it made sense that Ah Rin was wearing casual tees and knee-length cargo pants.

"Well, I found you laying on the back street when I was going home from my dance class, so then I called my appa to help me."

Oh, right.

"Does anyone else know?" I asked her, not without feeling needle pricking me from the side of my mouth. And by anyone else I meant my parents.

Ah Rin shrugged "My appa called your parents last night and begged them—mostly your Papa, tho—not to freak out and let you stay here until you regain consciousness. It's better for you. It'll also give your parents time to calm down, he said."

Good thing Minho samchun was a level-headed person like my Dad.

"Then they know I'm fighting again?"

"I guess."

"Great."

*

 

Minho samchun drove me in his car although my house only one block away. Ah Rin already planned a shopping date with her mom that she couldn't tag along.

I just stayed quiet as I realized we'd been driving around the neighborhood, before Minho samchun finally briefed me as we passed his house again "Kibum will freak out seeing you like this."

I knew I looked like I just came back from a professional boxing match so I nodded.

"Just know that they mean well. They love you."

"Sure," I shrugged.

"Do you want me to come with you?" He offered as we finally turned at the corner where my house's at.

I shook my head, ready to unlock the door as the car slowly pulled up in front of my house "Thank you tho, samchun."

Minho samchun sighed a little as he ruffled my hair "Talk to them, Jun-ie. They know better."

"Yeah." I said absentmindedly, before finally hopped out of the car.

 

I put both of my hands in the front pocket of Minho samchun's old hoodie I was wearing, and just kept quiet as I got into my house.

I was still feeling rather dizzy and disoriented from all the bruises and painkillers, so I just stared blankly when I saw Papa and Dad in the living room, both standing up simultaneously from their seats when they saw me.

Papa seemed like he's crying all night judging from how swollen his face was.

But I just... I couldn't feel anything at all at the moment.

 

"Jun," my Dad called carefully. I saw he's tightening his hold on Papa's hand.

I didn't answer, tho I walked closer to them, but keeping the distance.

I hoped they kept it short, I wanted to be left alone.

"Oh, _oh_ ," Papa was frowning, ready to break down, as he saw my face.

I turned away when he moved his hand to touch it. Papa's hand fell again to his side as he gripped the bottom of his cardigan.

 

"Are you alright?" Dad asked.

 _What a joke._ "Yeah."

"I mean, I know it's not alright. At all." He corrected himself "But, I mean, we have to go through this together, Jun. You _have_ to talk to us."

I didn't answer.

"It's that Shin Jae Kyung brat, isn't it?" Papa asked this time, voice hoarse "He can't keep doing this to you. Do you want me to call the cops?"

"And make a joke out of ourselves evenmore?" I felt my blood rushed back and I snorted "Give me a break."

"That's no way to talk to your parent, young man." Dad said, uncharacteristically stern when he needed to be.

 

"Then how do you want me to talk?!" I raised my voice, I was seriously fed up with this shit.

"I clearly told _you_ ," I pointed at Papa "to stay out of it. Now that Shin Jae Kyung will bully me even worse because he think I can't stand up for myself!"

"LEE JUN!" Dad warned me, slapping my finger down.

"WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, then before I realized it, Dad slapped me on the face.

"Jinki—" Papa seemed horrified at what Dad just did.

I craddled my stinging cheek as I felt my dam finally broke.

"FUCK!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK BOTH OF YOU!!" I yelled at them, stomping, pointing "IF YOU'RE NOT GAY, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME!!

"SHIT! WHY DON'T I HAVE A DAD AND A MOM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! FUCK!! FUCK IT!! WHY ARE YOU BRINGING ME TO THIS WORLD JUST TO MAKE ME SUFFER!"

I didn't know when I started crying while screaming, but I did. Frustated.

"FUCK!! FUCK THIS!! I WISH I CAN DIE RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!"

I rubbed my eyes with my sleeve before I finally ran upstairs, slammed my door as loud as I could and cried and screamed to my pillow.

*

 

I didn't know how long I cried, but I supposed I fell asleep in the middle of it, because when I woke up again, my room was unusually dark.

And the house was unusually silent.

I recalled my outburst then, and felt an unpleasant churn in my stomach.

I didn't know what my parents were doing, but they seemed like they didn't dare to try to call me downstairs.

I rubbed my wet eyes with my sleeves then, as I opened my door carefully to slip outside.

 

There's not one lamp turned on in the house. And when I searched, I finally found my parents were still on the couch in the living room, so I guessed they hadn't moved for hours.

Papa was shaking in Dad's arms, reciting a same line like a broken record "What have we done.... what have we done, Jinki."

 

I had never seen Papa breaking down. He was sarcastic, unapologetic and that made him looked so strong.

I suddenly started to regret the words of venom I spat out before. People said the cruelest thing when they're angry. And I knew from the start it's not my parents fault.

It was the fault of society and ignorance.

Now I realized what Minho samchun meant by _they know better_ (my parents'd been through this far before I was.)

 

 

"What can we do, Jinki? We've hurt him. Oh, why can't we just be the one who suffer instead of him? It doesn't matter if I die.."

 

I just realized I was also crying when I felt a drop of tears fell from my jaw. Papa's voice was so small and broke. Papa who had already fought the world for who he was and who he loved.

 _Oh_ , no.

 

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand as I plodded closer to them and fell on my knees "Papa, I'm sorry,"

"Jun, _oh_." Papa bursted into a sobbing mess as he found me on his feet "Oh, my baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this because of us. I'm sorry." He broke down again.

"No, Papa. No." I cried louder as he swept me in his thin, shaking arms.

"You don't deserve the suffering. I do."

"No."

Then Dad just held us both in his arms as we cried together.

*

 

"Jun," Dad said to me, quietly, as we calmed down from our crying and stopped exchanging apologies altogether "We're moving abroad."

"What?" I frowned, my head still hurt from everything.

"It's not going to get better here. Not in the near future."

I just looked at Dad while Papa held me in his arms, my head tucked beneath his jaw, and I clung to him, it was like I was four year olds all over again.

"I’ve received offer from University of Toronto last year, and I've been considering it for a while. I think it's better for us to move out as soon as we can."

I didn't even need to think about it.

(Reality didn't work like movies, where everything would be settled nicely and the bad guy would always find a way to realize his wrongdoings and redeem himself.

Sometimes, ignorance won and we had to accept it, and tried to save ourselves by getting out from the unhealthy cycle.)

So, I just nodded.

*

 

Dad sent me to Grandpa's house for the weekend and the rest of school days I had left. I wasn't going to school anymore, seeing how they treated Papa and my overall case.

Dad wanted to file a complain to the educational ministry regarding it, but in the end, we all knew it'd just end up in the dump so he didn't. I mean, the country didn't even acknowledge different sexual orientation.

 

Grandpa seemed like he already heard about what happened to me that he hugged me so tightly when Dad dropped me off.

I thought I would always feel like a kid with him smothering me with love in every chance he got.

 

"Why do you keep getting taller and taller, huh?" Grandpa said as he patted my back loudly when we hugged.

I just grunted.

"Bye, Jun. Don't make your Grandpa throw his back for you this time." Dad said from the car. "Dad, I'll come over next weekend with Kibum."

"Sure." Grandpa said as he finally released me "Don't worry about my kiddo here."

"Of course. Bye, Dad."

I just waved lazily to _my_ Dad.

 

Anyway, Grandpa _did_ spoil me. I was his only grandson from his only son.

Tho I heard he was difficult in the early stages of my parents relationship. Well, I mean, who wouldn't?

Grandma Lee was still careful whenever my parents came over. She cared for me secretly, tho.

Like with how she always cooked my favorite things whenever I spent the night or knitting me Christmas mittens, ever since Grandma Kim passed away.

She didn't talk much to me but sometimes she tucked me in when she thought I've fallen asleep and whispered prayer under her breath.

 

"I bought you the game you wanted last time," Grandpa said to me like it's some sort of conspiracy "The one your parents didn't let you."

"Cool!"

"I'll let you play after lunch. Your grandma makes chicken casserole."

"Alright."

Then Grandpa looked at me funnily, like he wanted to cry. Then he hugged me again. "What am I gonna do without you, kiddo?"

"Plenty, Grandpa. Weren't you in Africa last month? Hunting birds?"

Grandpa tapped my back loudly again "Don't be a smartass."

I groaned. That was better than getting sport massage.

*

 

Canada felt strangely familiar. But maybe it was only me and my blurry childhood recollection.

Sure, I was born in the States. But it's only a stone throw away from here there's almost no difference.

(Well, unless we're gonna go to great lengths and started comparing notes about the new president vs our prime minister.)

The university provided us with a nice, but barely filled picket-fence house, and Papa was already busy looking at Wayfair catalogue.

I claimed the upstairs room for myself again and set up my computer first thing before anything else.

 

When I went downstairs to ask for food, Papa had his head resting on Dad's chest on the couch as they went through the catalogue together and pointing and laughing.

Then Papa just sort of looked up at Dad, and then the angels came and Dad leaned in to kiss Papa.

I mean, it's sweet and all but _eww_.

Seeing your parents being lovey dovey to one another was still a horrifying experience.

 

"If you're going to be all over each other, I'm gonna head to the park and see if I can make some friends." I butted in.

"Sure thing, son." Dad had mirth in his eyes when he broke the kiss and turned to me, then he lifted his butt from the couch a little and fished out his wallet.

He gave me a fifty and twenty bill which I took like it's some divine being. That's almost seventy thousand won!

"Even better, take the cab and go to the mall and play at the arcades or something."

Shit! "You're the coolest parent ever!" I launched myself on top of Dad and smothered his neck.

Dad patted me on the back loudly like Grandpa did "Go. Your Papa and I need to christen the house."

I was back to my feet, frowning to them at the words before I realized "Eww." and pretend to throw up while they just laughed heartily.

I seriously didn't need the after-image _that_ caused in my head.

 

Then I just took a minute to look at them, looking at them _looking at me_ and realized how happy they were.

They were happy back in Seoul too, but there's always something else. Something in the air that was just waiting to pop out of nowhere and ruin everything.

I supposed it was for the best that we moved here.

 

And I guessed I wouldn't be able to say this out loud because it'd be hella embarassing, but I realized at that moment, realizing what my parents had been going through for themselves, for _me_ —and because, seriously this thing was _not_ a given eventhough people thought otherwise due to biological bullshit—:

I realized that _I just fucking love them, as much as they do_.

 

I made it to the door just before my parents started kissing again.


End file.
